Thursday, October 31, 2013

suffering insomnia, if that wasn't obvious enough

lately, it takes me hours to fall asleep...if i even do.  and when i do? i wake up in the middle of the night (or morning technically) in panic.
-sigh- my memory has also been really bad and hazy...and i really do hope this is because of stress.

Happy Halloween!

really appreciate i got to see the few people i did today :D or talk to those who really do matter.  i guess i got connected to everyone that really mattered to me today.
on the bright note...HR NOW was a success i hope...and the photos i took weren't all that bad! on a bad note, next week and the few others after will not be much of a joy ride.

also, seeing "you" today just ticked me off like crazy. argh. im being driven insane and my water show is going on the lose. i feel so freakin' messed up because of this.
whatever. -sigh- in a sense, i knew what i was getting myself into. but i guess i was caught off guard. i hate how i keep clinging onto the past and just can't look forward...or just accept the changes.  even though it's not too long ago, but i just miss the old times...and just how it was...fairly simple lol. and a simple complex. i don't know...either way, it's better than this.

time for bed. maybe an episode for vampire diaries first...then bed. good night, and sweet dreams to those reading this.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

eyes sting like crazy

probably from all the crying, thus, i had to wear glasses today!  I haven't worn glasses out in a long time and it did feel comfortable.  Especially at my new job, staring at the computer monitor for about  6 hours, the glasses help reduce the strain I put on my eyes. I probably looked more serious too, haha.

Thanks to mundane, brainless tasks and a expressive conversation with a hippo, I was able to take my mind and heart off some issues.  Almost no tears at all today? Maybe a tear or two, but not full on crying. Hopefully it stays this way.

Can't believe HR NOW conference is tomorrow.  Going to be another long day tomorrow.  My papa bear is coming home and I don't even know if I'll be able to pick him up because I need to go grab some balloon decoration for the conference, head downtown and help set up then attend the conference until time.  Probably home at 10 or so.  Maybe I should go home earlier since I have school the day after and it's econ...

Time for bed, with cuddly Chubchub.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

nothing to say, honestly. i'm a wreck.

Monday, October 28, 2013

that moment...

you know that moment when you just feel like crying? yeah...i'm describing my week.  my crying days continues especially with midterm happening tomorrow.  the headaches aren't exactly helping my study materials go through...i feel like a total mess.  let me rephrase that, i'm feeling like a Joyce.

woke up at 4 pm or so today.  did nothing to make myself brag except that i have compiled my favorite Jay Chou music together on a playlist that has been on replay since it was created. i also watched vampire diaries. damon...
really disliking how i am attracted to people way too easily. -sigh-

what am i listening to on replay? that song above.
i guess my Nell phase moved to a Jay Chou phase.  ooh, and on the bright side, i also got to see the birthday girl and talk to her. finally had a day to myself, i think that actually helped.
not a complete alone day since i had contact with a handful of people through text...but only really talk talked to 3 people.

my heart is a mess. is my head

Sunday, October 27, 2013

a week that's blurred together

whether it's because of the tears every night, or it's because they're just such long days.  New job, though I love it, it's for long hours.  I go home and just feel like falling asleep after eating.  School.  Waking up at least 9 am every morning. No time for myself...
and when I do? I cry.

Have absolutely no idea what's wrong. Just very tired and just overthinking everything..

Music, during these moments, is really what's helping.

Can we stay here longer
Can we stay until tomorrow
Can we stay here forever
So in love with this song. The whimsical music by an under rated duo, The Woodlands.

Happy birthday to thy dear sister.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

chill week finally ish

despite the issues (with commuting and such), i had a really chill and unproductive day.  Got to see my precious, bought and white leather jacket (unexpectedly), and napped.

Surprisingly, I dusted my entire room (which I haven't for like...2 years? Don't judge) and I know its so much better if I keep it up since inhaling dusty air ain't so good.  Took out the trash and also...

I bought a new air freshener! 

So happy.  I legit stood in shoppers for 20 minute and tried to figure which scent or brand to get.  Candles, canned spray, or those plug-ins or infuser and such.  In the end, I got the Febreeze scent things that you leave on your table in the scent: Fresh Meadows.

My obsession with steamed milk and hazelnut flavoring is still ongoing...

Monday, October 21, 2013

is this my third quarter life crisis?

after a really good brunch (despite not talking as much), i feel sort of weird.  This entire week, I have been so on and off about everything...constantly having little bursts of breakdowns where I just cry and feel panicked.  I guess today is where I crack a bit more.  I was told by those who saw my today that I looked very pale and sickly today, very haggard.  I wonder what's happening...especially when yesterday (Saturday) was a day of rest and anime.

Anyways, I'm starting to feel sleeping...and I still have a paper due.  To be honest, I'm at that point of no return feeling where I just want to give up.  But in the end, I don't and end up producing a pile of junk to submit.

I just want to watch a movie and read some manga.
Going to be a long day tomorrow..where I get my econ midterm back and hand in a 10% assignment.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

A day of nothing

I spent the day doing nothing, but eating cup noodles for my meals, watching anime and catching up with some of my tv dramas. I did read my assignment and article. Got to start it tomorrow and do my MIS reading quiz...

Anyways, it was a nice head.

Awful headache...from, I'm assuming, my unconcious habit of grinding my teeth.

I also miss my grandma and talked to her today.

Time to be cuddly with Chubchub.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

4:30 AM

My paranoia is slowing creeping back again.  Feels like anything can basically trigger it...and with my emotionally unstable state...along with the fatigue accumulated from these last few days, I'm about to burst into a huge wreck of a mess.
My hunger is also driving me insane.  It's as if the hunger I haven't felt for years...all coming out.  I'm constantly wanting to eat and at the moment? Mashed Potatoes.

Time to brainwash myself with happiness. Just like old times, eh?

That longing feeling...I wonder if I can really satisfy it?  Is what I think what I really want? Or am I just going to be faced with disappointment and a huge pile of guilt that will tear me apart?
This is why I feel the fear.  Fear of regret...

And I fear to look out the window and into the fog. Augh, I'm scaring myself.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

them stress tears

after cooking corn, boiling 3 eggs, squeezing out Kewpie mayonnaise, adding in pepper, adding in oregano, adding in basil, adding in cayenne, adding in cajun, peeling eggs, cubing the eggs, washing the utensils, adding in the canned tuna, mashing everything together, and ending the process of making a tuna & egg salad...i resumed my studying.

and eventually, when I am forced to face my studying since there's no more e-mails to check and no more facebook notification since everyone sleeps at a normal time...the stress tears came pouring out.

immediately, i dialed the number and just cried. i freaked out about what i'm doing, the course, the school, the choices i made, and the everything in general.

what the heck am i doing 1:28 am in the morning?


i just want to watch a movie.

last minute cramming once again

based on my previous post, it was obvious my few days of studying was very unproductive.  Even today, my last day, I had such a slow progress.  My plan was to finish all the chapters MC questions from the school web, but sadly...I am still going through the second chapter...with 3 more to go..and each having questions ranging from 40-50 and it is already midnight!

I. Am. So. Doomed.

Legit, I feel that I won't be doing so well.  Sadly, I also got the results of the assignment I handed late the other day and it doesn't look so good although for that class, I am doing sort of well...that is, until the midterm comes.

I suck at econ...and everything, which led me to contemplate what the heck am I doing.  What happens if I can't boost up my GPA and get in business? Then what?
Okay, fine, I won't think about that now...but still. I am so doomed and out of time. I'm hungry and sleepy.  I have more things I want to go over. I want to watch a movie. I want to watch anime.  I want to play with my DS.
Argh.  I really am not cut out for school.  At least I got some poster stuff readjusted and such.  Only productivity of the day.

Time to crawl in a hole and cry tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

can only work 3 am in the morning, what is this?

so...after going through the old music i use to listen to, reading some manga, looking at some laptop, and talking to people while attempting to stare at my econ textbook..I only read 2 pages of my econ text.

1. I really need a new laptop as mine blue screened 6 times today
2. Nell is amazing
3. Sugizo is amazing
4. I have quite a feel CDs I want to buy that totals to $80
5. I still have yet to watch Soundtrack..which I should

Currently, out of the five tabs I have opened...1 actually has something to do with econ.  On the bright side though, I am actually awake (slightly hungry) and actually getting things done other than econ.
I did do something for HR NOW and refuse to complete the rest because I am annoyed with the lack on information provided for me (that actually needs to be on the pamphlet/posters)...yet they expect me to finish my part without their's. -sigh-

I have been listening to Let's Take A Walk album for 4 days straight?

My train of thought is everywhere.  By the way, I also got my dad's approval for a new let the laptop hunting begin! I do love my laptop precious bleu (recently named after the constant blue screening).
On the side note, I must express my excitement for Halloween! I really want a Halloween party or something...and to dress up, despite the upcoming midterms and assignments due then.  Also, I can't but help loving the's so fall! Winter is just around the corner and I just can't wait for that warm festive feeling!

I miss my loves right now. So lonely at night...

attempt to give studying a try again has failed

yeah, another unproductive day.  I decided I will not rest until I get through my readings at least so tomorrow will be devoted to doing practice questions...not even kidding. I gotta get my act together or I will for sure fail.

Meanwhile, what did I do today? Excessively eat and constantly falling asleep.  I have no idea why I feel so tired and kept sleeping...topped with an abnormal desire to keep stuffing myself.  Kind of starting to freak me out.  My craving for Laksa noodle drove me insane and when my brother kindly offered to grab it for me, despite feeling guilty for making him walk over when it's getting late...he continued to insist on it, and then that's when I snapped.  You would think I would be so happy because I can satisfy my craving without even moving...wrong.  Probably due to karma, only my laksa noodle spilled (in his backpack stuff with towels) and my sister's food was okay.  I felt that little twig in my snap and I just felt anger, and angry tears, overflowing.

To sum it up, there was judgment involved, some lecturing and yelling, and i don't know whatever..while I stayed in my room and threw a tantrum to whoever I called.

Let's just say...I went insane knowing the craving I want was so close yet so far.  What did I replace the laksa with? I ate an eggo waffler with butter and maple syrup and made a tuna and egg salad with corn.  Still hungry. (what's wrong with me?)

Oh, and I watched this...

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

another unproductive day!

as the "title" suggests, today was another unproductive day to studying for my econ midterm.  In fact, I actually have the urge to watch another movie (even though I already watched Super Model, a Hong Kong comedy film from 2004).  I wasted a lot of time, but then again...I do think the conversations I had today was well worth it of course.

I really, really crave a laksa right now...starving.

Had so much food and stuff today:
-Tom Yum
-Teavana Five Summit Oolong Tea
-Mozza burger (no tomato)
-Opa! Fries
-Two large slices of butter chicken pizza from Freshslice

On another note (belated), Happy Thanksgiving!  Although I crave for a proper turkey dinner with gravy and all..especially after smelling my neighbor's, I am very pleased with where I am.  Maybe not in my education, but just in general.  I feel very blessed and thankful to have the people around me around.
I, for one, know how hard it is to put up with me.  And you people are doing a great job...

Sadly, I probably didn't get to actually thank everyone I actually want to thank...

-sigh- I'm so tired, but I need to do my readings...procrastinating time? Time for bed?
Another nell night.

...i feel so scared i will lose all this.

Monday, October 14, 2013

a slice of my day

after such a long day yesterday, today was what i needed. enough love, enough friendship, and just the amount of alone time. now it's just me, my blanket, chubchub, and nell.  well, and my econ e-text.

i finished a movie that has been on my list for ages and it's getting me to think.
about sanity, life, death, trivial things, and what is important.  love. and orientation.
i kind of got really into it and started reading summary of the book, then more details about the book. and unlike what usually happens, i want to read the book still..despite the "spoilers".

wonderful acting and a beautiful score.  The hours.
"i have to face the hours after the part and the hours that"
not sure if i remembered that right...but there so many moments in the film that made me think.  so many perfect descriptions that helped me organized what i thought.  like when Clarissa realized the moment she thought (while watching the sun rise at dawn) was the beginning of happiness...was not the beginning, but really just happiness. hmmm ...Moment of pure happiness...

if you're interested, just message me about the movie i guess.

well, the soundtrack is definitely worth listening to.  classical instrumental scores tend to draw me into another world that i love...such as Pride & Prejudice.
anyways, i guess i should focus on my econ before my attention is drawn away.
i feel my movie watching rush closing in - not good when midterm is only 2 days away!

"I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been" - Woolf
makes me think how the person you love doesn't necessary have to be the one you're with. and if they are, it's really a blessing. 

Sunday, October 13, 2013


so tired.  Long day today...
I slept at 5:30 am ish and woke up at 11:30 am, fought for the shower and left the house at 12:30 pm or so. Went to the mall to shop for shoes, leggings, and eat a butter chicken poutine.  Went to another mall to go to the bank and find shoes.  I bought shoes and went to another mall area to pick up the cake, then went inside the mall to get a drink that will quench my thirst.  And waited until someone picked up the cake and dropped me home.  Spend the remaining time getting ready, trying on clothes and etc. while waiting until I got picked up.  Finally went to the place and ate and just had fun.

Ultimately, it was a fun and successful day of planning and such. :) Finally got home around 12 am or so and now I'm just exhausted.  Still probably should work a bit on the pamphlet, but too tired to even bother and care.

i'm tired.

...and cold.

Saturday, October 12, 2013


up till almost 3am again.

immunity.  that capability that only one person has, whose has constantly had that one.  at the moment, so far, i can likely guess there is one person who does have this immunity.
immunity to my anger and annoyance. to being the source of my frustration or sadness.

and so i spent this whole day, thinking about who has immunity. who do i have a longer fuse for? who can i withstand?
i thought about who is the first voice i want to hear? who brings me that momentary hope when i'm just so lost? who makes me feel free?
i keep trying to push all these to fitting just one person.

and what do i get? in bed (still listening to nell) with tears streaming down my face.

no, i did not wise up.  i'm still just as stupid. perhaps more retarded than ever.

i feel like the freakin' s***tiest person ever 

today, i talked to the every single person (almost) that is most important to me. the people i cried to gave me the answer to questions.  
i spent all day questioning whether i regret what i am doing. what am i doing? and just wondering why the heck do i feel so trapped.  i avoided what i had to do for the last few days and just did random junk.  i reminisced and went out to feel the present.  i asked a bunch of junk questions.

and came to the conclusion that i'm so freakin' selfish.  i'm not as great as i expect people to be. i haven't appreciated what i have and still do have. it's amazing how everyone puts up with me.
what kills me inside is the doubts i had...
i know this isn't only guilt and a sudden epiphany, but also just...i feel so touched. the people i asked my questions to and cried to..gave me the answer.  
no matter what happens, i always have somewhere to come back to.  no matter what happens, no one will be mad at me. and ultimately, in the end, i'm the one pushing those around me away and trying to search for something impossible when i already have the impossible with me. my heads a mess...but needless to say, the main point is...thank you (if you're reading this). 

i don't know what i'm trying to get at...time to work.


Friday, October 11, 2013

9 hours after

i might end up blogging every day by the looks of it...or more than once a day.  Thinking back at my old posts, I use to share more music and here goes:

I wonder if I have posted this before.  Well, anyways, just going through nell songs since they have this "blissful" feel to it. In the end, for some reason, 1.03 is still my all-time favorite song where I can put it on replay and still love it.  I still recall how years ago, I use to listen to 1.03 and stare at the cover album for the longest time...

I wish I can stay like then before.

My cowardliness to face reality and my fears makes me never want to grow up.  Despite my reluctance, I am growing up.  Maybe not mentally...actually nor am I physically...but I am growing up.  Not very convincing haha.
I have no idea what point I'm trying to get at...but at the moment, I feel like I've come to an end where I have to make the decision to pick one road or the other.  Honestly, I don't know what I want and I don't know what I should do. Sometimes, I feel the guilt just gnawing at me...telling me to make a decision before I regret it.  The guilt and regret from previous times...yet, my fears holds me back. Okay. I have no idea what I'm getting at.

Time to work.

another thursday

Another thursday of emotions and thoughts? Starting to like my thursdays despite econ lectures...because i get to think and really organize my thoughts. Finally sort of satisfied my bubble tea craving and went to swiss chalet! And movie-d.

Don't really want to make this a ranting post...but just, i feel sort of damaged even though it was a great day. The fact that you're forgotten for hours...and i thought i would be use to it by still hurts.
The whatevers i say really doesn't cover it.

And regrets of saying too much...or being too much like myself. Or at least  the paranoia and doubt that i might regret. Why do i keep doing this to myself?

I need to get away. Sigh. I just wish i can fly away or teleport...someone take me away.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

i did it again

no matter how much I would like to believe...I am still a child.  I keep making the same mistakes again and again.  Man, life of a big mouth.  I should just keep my mouth shut some times...
...only realizing my mistakes after.

I think my running mouth is what will get me killed one day.

from what I recall, I've always loved the cold weather.  Thinking back...what of the "perfect" moments I have is when I listen to music while walking home in the snow. And not actually going home to sit on the swings or just walk around my neighbor. (Listening to Sad - Maroon 5, just feel like sharing).  Since I have met some one, I have started listening in albums.  I use to only do this to just Gazette due to a certain camels, but now...I try to experience every album as it was arranged. Anyways, what was I saying? Right. I love cold weathers.  A sad thing (haha, perfect song!) for me now is that my body can't really tolerate the cold.

To be honest, I think I should have gotten that message since I was younger.  Despite being a December baby, my immune system sort of suck.  Actually, I think in the beginning...of the three of us, I use to be the healthiest and strongest.  Now, I'm the one who get sick for weeks (or practically the whole semester, quote a certain dude in my compsci course).

Really thinking about low tolerance for the cold is pretty obvious when I got my paralysis...and then sick...and now, I can barely stay warm.  Yet, my window is still open despite the night cold.  I love it...although while typing this, my fingers are frozen and numb. -sigh- This is sad. :(
Anyways, I guess I'll just rely on my heat packs in order to reunite with my beloved winter. Scarves and hats and fluffy warm jackets!

Anyone want to come over for hot cocoa with marshmallow, fluffy warm blankets, and comfort food? Message me.

Monday, October 7, 2013

that time of the semester again!

yes, it's midterm times!  Surprisingly, for the last two semester, I haven't felt that panic...which is weird.  I honestly don't know what is wrong, but I really don't feel that urgency to cram (not that I know all my material, in fact, I know nothing at all...due to the lack of attendance and concentration when I am in lecture).

Anyways, today was a day I did not shed a single tear (not even for when I yawn!).  It's weird, but I think today...despite doing mundane tasks, it was a great day for me to really appreciate what I have.  I actually spoke with every one (almost...) whom I truly value in my life.  I satisfied my craving, accomplished some of my tasks haha, and I got to listen to some music I have been meaning to get to.


Looking back at my old blog made me feel ridiculous and silly.  I still remember that feeling, thinking I am so mature and so reasonable, as I type those rants and vent about everything in my life.  Not saying I was feeling wrong, but they were most definitely under developed.  I'm not sure about the people around me...but I am fairly impressed with how my temper has been tamed a bit and how I try to rationalize my thinking before jumping into assumptions.  Of course, my opinionated self is still present, but there is growth I tell you!

Probably a year from now, I will read this blog and be all like "-scoff- pathetic child who thinks she's a know-it-all...being all enlightened and such".

At the same time, I do love going back to my old work.  Not just for laughs, but I think it's impressive...the amount of efforts I use to put into elementary projects.  As opposed to now, one thing I really didn't like that how I am so unmotivated and lost.  It's a process we have to go through...I know.

My mind is jumping all over the place...I was thinking about typing about something related to my horoscope sign: Sagittarius.  Funny thing, I use to hate my horoscope sign 'cause I couldn't say it pronounce it properly and said: Sag-a-tor-us or something like that.  Then I just proceeded to refer to my sign as: Sag-whatever and let whoever I was talking to know it the was the ridiculously long named sign. Haha.

Reading about my sign now that I'm older made me realize how I am really like my sign...but there are aspects that puzzles me. WHY AM ME NO OPTIMISTIC? Orz.  Maybe I am truly the Ophiuchus? It hits right on my birthday!

I want a cheeseburger. Cheese Royale.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

while i should be studying...

so as always, i am suppose to be studying (for the exam and midterm i have coming up in two days), but instead...i am blogging.  i did actually read almost half of my readings.

currently at school and coming to school so often has made me realized: i don't really hate it here.  at least not as much as i thought i did.
the campus, the community and the few people i met whom i truly treasure are great people...
it really makes me double think about whether i should transfer or not.

but once again, my uncertainty for a new change and towards that "supposed" goal will falter...
i'm postponing again.
there will always be plenty of excuses i can come up with in that tiny brain of mine...trying to convince myself it's for the best.
honestly, i don't know what to do.
it isn't necessarily the place and people that holds me back, but also...what i have been doing and what i am doing.  will it really be better on the other side of the fence? or is it really just an illusion and expectation i have set...

either way, i should be reading my econ.
my hammock phase has yet to past. i think it's going to be staying for the long run. time to buy the disc?
recently, my desire to purchase cds are back! and im out of a job so...yeah........

hopefully my interview went well and i will be, once again, employed.  can't believe in these last four months, i did so much more than i did in a year.  feels rewarding to actually put myself out there and really gain new experience and feel more "grown up". it is also these four months i have gotten close to people i wasn't so close to, got to know people i love even more and bridge the gap between us, and meet people who i think will be lifelong friends (until they suck..haha. jks)

time to study and listen to the hippo recite about insects. sijdfaiosjdg;aisjdl...