Monday, February 25, 2013

midterms, again, gah

butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it...
but --

after 5cm per second, how can i not be excited?
okay, back to studying.
-sigh- i think it's time i get back to my old self and anime again? not that drama-ing isn't me...i just sort of miss the anime me. don't know if i can do both. time to try again!
i feel so outdated :(

ohmygosh, now i want to watch 5cm per second. i remember raving about it here before...ish
and to myself... :')
and then listening to the song again and again.


Sunday, February 24, 2013


numb and sigh

feel so disconnected.
so numb.

4 days of pure bad luck. just thinking about it makes me feel so "che".
what has happened to my infamous luck?

feeling lonely...
hammock music  to keep me company.
through the nightmares and nausea.
feels like im rocking in a boat. so seasick, makes me puke.
feeling so hungry, but full.

so much studying.
but mind is so numb.
at least im done crying now. time to focus...ish
hang on until the first one is over at least.

wonder if this numbness will go away?
maybe then, my feet will stop feeling so weird and my ear will stop ringing.

speaking of ears, i want another set of piercings.
speaking of piercings, i need a new stud.
speaking of stud,
i need to find a titanium one...

Friday, February 22, 2013

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

can hear my dad snore...

from the floor abive, i hear him snore.
can't sleep,but really going to miss him.


Monday, February 18, 2013

a little depressed

treated family to a sushi dinner,
but listening to my papa bear talk...made me a little depressed because i know it's true.
he was telling my sibling and i how we should treasure our time together now
because in a few years...when we have our own families,
as annoying as we are to each other,
we will only see each other a few times a year.
and how things have changed...
back then,
my little brother would just laugh and be the happiest kid in the world just because of a hug from my dad.
he was so adorable in his blue winnie-the-pooh tank top. chubby and all.

we're all grown up.
going out on our own.
he was telling us how it's so hard to get us together.
and how when my little bro is old enough, he won't be around here as much and just stay back in Hong Kong.  Although i know staying back in HK will make him happier,
a part of me can't help, but be so upset.
who will cheer me up at times when i'm having a break down?
feed me?
just sit with my out in the garage and talk or just...sit.

found myself listening to the old music i use to love (something i often due once in a while) and remembering the feeling i get when i listen to the song before...
the situation i was in..the moods and the stuff i was into (anime hardcore).
i guess that's why i love music...the feelings i had attached to a song before will always stay attached.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

changing changes

change happens between two people when both changes...
if one evolve while the other doesn't,
nothing happens. but more demons.
if both changes,
then the two will evolve together.

if one moves forward while the other is reluctant
its the same. demons.
if both agree to move forward, but one one does...

change in a person is effective after time.
taking the first step is always hard,
especially for me.
but i'm trying now...trying this time...
for them.
is it truly acknowledged and appreciated?

wow, my hands are so veiny...

it's time to re-evaluate the situation.
think of a different approach.
for both to think of a different way.
for the tries to matter.
i need to stop holding on to the past some times...

so tired, but i gotta do my readings. 2:09AM...just like old times.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

vacation mode

so ready for vacation.
been a few days and still haven't been able to successfully to get myself off my butt and open a book.
lots of catch up readings to do.
essay, assignments and more readings.

watch me crumble when school begins ago.

why is my readings break a week before anyways? whattheheck.

suit & tie.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

a new change

things went different that i hoped and expected.
through lots of painful thoughts and negative thinking...i somehow ended up wanting to change and feel changed, at least a bit.
going to stay positive.  going to be positive for you and me.
thank you for the support i have the last few days.
the support from everyone and you that made me feel like i'm not alone, preventing anything stupid from happening.

a new step,
going to be entirely different...
but the closure i have now,
the conclusion we all came up with...
its makes me hope and look forward.
not entirely move on...
but move on and continue my life.
focus on myself...
desire to be different, be better and not fall back into my old habits.

its a first step and a hard step.
but i think by next 12th/14th...everything will be changed. all of us.
and a new beginning for sure.
a truly positive and good one.
one where there will still be flaws,
but not the same ones we all kept having.
not the same faults.
more matured realizations
a more ideal result.
i'm hoping for that. i'm working for that. and i hope we all are.

thank you for the new start, for the new motivation.
time to discover a new self! a self where everyone will be proud of and feel more happier and positive around. that way, all of this hardship and decision-making will not go to waste.
that way, everything will last a our original plan!

time to get some fresh air! :)

miss this song! brings back memories :D

Sunday, February 10, 2013

third post of the day...

are you sure you want to quit?

yes or no.

i guess my decision has already been made up. and i will follow through with it this time. no more faltering.
once the mark is hit,
it won't be the same as before.
no matter what.

out of control urge to shop

retail therapy really helps. but the guilt that kicks in after really kills.
-sigh- the after effects hits the hardest when you look at your bank account and realize you're broke...despite it being chinese new year too.

still, my urge to shop is there...kicking at me once in a while.

well, at least im sorta happy..minus the guilt.
new stuff!

aside from retail therapy though...
i did book an actual appointment.
time to rest the minds in peace.
i really think its no biggie, but better safe than sorry.

work is tiring :(

happy chinese new year!

a few years back, it was boring (and annoying) annual chinese comedy show to celebrate, the smell of hot pot, cheering people, and red...lots of festive red.
flash back to now. silence. no lights all turned on for good luck.
tears, frustration, and just not the same.

i don't know if it's the headache combined with the sudden anxiety attack...
or is it really everything else,
but keep finding myself falling into the pit.

"it's the state of mind" so i was told...
my "way of escaping" - which is the worse habit - is because it's conditioned.
i don't think i'm thats why it doesn't hurt.
it's not a distraction...
it's my way of escaping, my way of numbing, my way to keep control.

ultimately, in the end, all you have is yourself.
when you're in the darkest time...when you're in need of the most help
theres no one to call...
no one reaches out
theres no soul mate
theres no one that truly understands and know what you're thinking...
you only have yourself to accompany you

who knew back then it would be like this now.
who knew i would've sat on the floor and try to pour out my heart so that more would hurt and come crashing down. who knew i would spend nights crying into my pillow - oh wait, that didn't change...

chinese new year, i hope it was great for every one.
at least i got to re connect with some people through messaging.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

The scientist

coldplay, never outdated :)

Friday, February 8, 2013

beginning of my reading break

time to catch up on some readings...a lot of readings