immunity

up till almost 3am again.

immunity.  that capability that only one person has, whose has constantly had that is...no one.  at the moment, so far, i can likely guess there is one person who does have this immunity.
immunity to my anger and annoyance. to being the source of my frustration or sadness.

and so i spent this whole day, thinking about who has immunity. who do i have a longer fuse for? who can i withstand?
i thought about who is the first voice i want to hear? who brings me that momentary hope when i'm just so lost? who makes me feel free?
i keep trying to push all these to fitting just one person.

and what do i get? in bed (still listening to nell) with tears streaming down my face.

no, i did not wise up.  i'm still just as stupid. perhaps more retarded than ever.

i feel like the freakin' s***tiest person ever 

today, i talked to the every single person (almost) that is most important to me. the people i cried to gave me the answer to questions.  

i spent all day questioning whether i regret what i am doing. what am i doing? and just wondering why the heck do i feel so trapped.  i avoided what i had to do for the last few days and just did random junk.  i reminisced and went out to feel the present.  i asked a bunch of junk questions.

and came to the conclusion that i'm so freakin' selfish.  i'm not as great as i expect people to be. i haven't appreciated what i have and still do have. it's amazing how everyone puts up with me.

what kills me inside is the doubts i had...

i know this isn't only guilt and a sudden epiphany, but also just...i feel so touched. the people i asked my questions to and cried to..gave me the answer.  

no matter what happens, i always have somewhere to come back to.  no matter what happens, no one will be mad at me. and ultimately, in the end, i'm the one pushing those around me away and trying to search for something impossible when i already have the impossible with me. my heads a mess...but needless to say, the main point is...thank you (if you're reading this). 

i don't know what i'm trying to get at...time to work.

ねえ。。。あなたは大好きです。