Wednesday, November 27, 2013

drowning myself in a manga marathon

Haven't blogged in a while, but I have a good excuse.  I have restarted my anime/manga craze and have been watching things like crazy.  The last one I saw (still need to continue) is Persona: Trinity Soul.  I have been reading some romance shoujo/josei manga which just takes up all my time.  Staying up and sleeping in because of anime/manga? I feel like myself again.  Feels stupid and crazy, but worth it.

Although I think I am getting sick since my body is feeling heavy, headache and felt sort of nauseous.  Might be because of the lack of water...

Anyways, moving on...I have been pumped up about the summer because of a summer trip I'm planning and hoping to have.  If anyone wants to go to Asia, just message me.  To be honest, I want to stay in Asia for 2 months or so...go to Taiwan or Korea or Thailand.  Something like that.  I know it's not guaranteed I will have time to travel the year after, so this year, I want to make it something.  I want to travel and do something with my time before I mope about it online on how I feel like I wasted my time and more things come into my life that stops me.  No more waiting.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

am i still regretting?

Regrets.  Something I tend to have...

Was it the right decision to stay here instead of going to Toronto?  A part of me knew that if I went, I would be forced to stay in the faculty...instead of being like where I am now, floating.  The possibility of failing or even just barely passing my econ class will jeopardize my chances of transferring to business or another school.  And with that transferring plan dying, I will be stuck where I don't want to be and everything I have been working towards will go down the drain.

I'm not blaming where I am now on the fact that I didn't leave.  But if I didn't leave, will that force me to go through with things instead of being all wishy-washy here? For sure, with all these options I keep thinking up of here...I am not settling down and working towards one.  Well, I am definitely not interested enough in any of the faculties for me to feel that passion that I always want about something.

What made me want to blog about this is because I just finished an anime that has always been on my list.  I watched the drama for it already and put off watching the anime so I had something to wait for..and just, I knew I will feel this way and I didn't want to.  Although it's not an out-of-this-world kind of anime...I love it and will definitely be on the top of my list.  Made me tear up and just admire those who work towards their passion...overcoming the obstacles, whether it's because of the competition out there or the time limit and so on...It made me think about the question I have always wondered in the back of my mind:

Do I regret quitting piano?

Piano, when I think about it, has been my entire childhood.  Two three hours of practice everyday on that Yamaha in a room that was made into the piano.  Playing the scales, practicing sight reading, listening to my own music again and again.  I still remember my hatred for it...and I remember how I did not enjoy playing at all...whether it's practice, recital or competitions.  I remember how I would pound my fingers down on the ivory keys during the forte to express my anger and hope my mom can hear the dissatisfaction I felt.  I remember thinking about ways to pretend I'm too sick or my arm is too cramped to continue to practice.

I remember laying on the bench and just stare up at the ceiling and wonder when someone will open up the ceiling and pick me up from that piano room so I can stop and be free.  Practicing again and again.  Piece after piece...stretching my fingers to reach more keys, moving my arm faster to keep up and make up for my small hands, and trying to put emotions that I do not have into the piece. I couldn't do it.

Being told how I am like a log sitting on the bench and playing.  I didn't have enough emotion...nothing is being expressed through my music.  Despite having the technical skills, I wasn't creating music.  I hated that I wasn't, but I also can't make it happen the way everyone wanted it to.  I guess I was tired, so tired.  Tired of being compared, of being competitive, of practicing..I was so tired of the piano and the sound that just makes me want to cry thinking about it.

But now, after breathing piano for 5 years...and not touching one for 7 years or so...the last time I did, I just cried.  My fingers hardened...and despite remembering, faintly, the keys to the last pieces I played...I sucked.  I can't even play anymore.  No emotions and no technical's not that I don't want to play anymore.  I can't play.  That breaks my heart, despite how much I love classical.  I love classical music and I love the sound people create...I don't know if I regret the decision I made back then on quitting and having "freedom".  Maybe if I didn't make that decision, some things in my life would be better?

Anyways, time to go read and to bed listening to Gershwin.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

down memory lane once again...

Do you recall how you once believed that if you left me, if you left my life, it would probably be better for me? You thought it would make me happier? Perhaps you still think that now...but once again, I beg to differ.

I say it over and over again, and I will continue to do so, that you are so important to me.  That you being in my life is probably one of the best things ever.  That you make me happy in a way no one bring me that security I need...the one my personality and just my life in general...doesn't have.  You balance me out and you just make me...happy. I want to be a happier person (and I do think I have been better, maybe not these last few days, but definitely better).  I want to be a better person.

Yesterday was probably one of my grouchiest day...where I worn out and tired.  Super stressed and annoyed and it was followed by a long 2 hour commuting.  Despite being stuck in traffic, in a crowded bus and sky train, in the rain, in a long line up, and in basically things I don't like...I find myself being able to still want to be better and try to be nice.
I was still pretty cheerful, surprisingly, and not muttering complaints because I got to talk to you...hear you whisper in my ear (not by choice, haha).

I wished the bus driver a good night and thanked him, I offered an old man a seat even though I just got it, I helped catch a woman who was following, I answered a woman's question about the transit, I helped a lady close the window, and I was just pretty calm.  

Kind of shocked own actions and I'd like to think you contributed to it. For sure, your presence in my life has impacted me in ways that brings more good than bad.  Thank you.  Thank you for the great night and listening to my cries and just everything.  Thank you for the great technology-free day where I just had time for myself and to be happy...away from stress and my problems.  For being right beside me and remembering what I like and such.  For making me smile so much more than I have this entire week, and feel so much more relaxed than ever.  My eyes didn't hurt this whole time I was with you...nor did I feel any pain in my body.  Thank you. 

Time to get back to work!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

yes, i should be studying...but i went through some Haruki Murakami quotes...

and it reminded me of things I knew and have been told before...

Although I haven't read his works, I the environment I grew up in...with my huge interest in the Japanese culture, I have probably crossed paths many times with his creation.  Thus, many of the quotes I read sounded so familiar.  On top of that, I guess (although I am still young), I am able to resonate with quite a few of the quotes I read...just came to understand it through experiencing life?

reading it reminded me of what I learned in science class in high school.  A fact a teacher, I can't remember who, told us how the cells in our body is replaced monthly... (I have absolutely no idea how I can remember that) and essentially, every month, we are physically not the same if you think about it.

Just typing that up reminded me something about how we aren't exactly touching the objects we think we are touching...because of some sort of barrier or something.  No idea. I probably just like mashed up information together, but yeah...

No idea where I'm going with this...especially since I was stressing out moments ago about this brutal week that I have no idea how I will manage to survive...all in all, I think going through those quotes just brought me into some sort of peace that I need...since I've been filled with bad feelings and paranoia lately.

Now, to focus...

i want to change

After tomorrow's midterm, after trying to do some homework, I want to make a change and start doing something I love...or at least put some time in it.  That way, I won't keep clinging onto the path I didn't choose to take.  Kind of want to start/continue a new project...

Maybe pick up a few of my old ones, like with polymer clay, but this one...I should start.  Hopefully, my group projects coming up will be manageable.  I guess it's either this weekend or next weekend...since this weekend, I also have another individual assignment due on Monday.  A time-consuming one to top that off -sigh-

We never have enough time. :( sadly..

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

My heart goes out to those in the Philippines

Thinking about it now, so many tragic natural disasters have been happening...and here, where I live, we are long over due for one.  The little paranoid voice in me has always been anticipated, after hearing from many scientist reports and such, that an earthquake might hit here...or an tsunami. And knowing how this city is built on sand...and is under sea level, we won't be able to survive would be so chaotic. And that freaks me out...

It always feels like if one hits's going to be a big one.

What I didn't think was that such a disastrous typhoon, way worse than hurricane Katrina, would hit the Philippines.  Just seeing a few imagines and hearing the statistics already horrifies me and pains me to think about how much worse it must be there.  For people to be raiding food trucks, struggling to survive and to see their home and families torn apart.  Especially knowing and having many Filipino friends, I know they cherish their family and friends a lot...and are so close to their family...
I'm not close to understanding how much this tragedy would impact them.  As for the rest of us? Well....10,000 people just disappeared from the face of this earth.   That's the impact.  In a second...lives are gone and won't ever return.


With the tsunami that happened in Japan, now the typhoon in the Philippines, and before Haiti and in Thailand...all these natural disasters occurring in the East...I can't help but feel this awful gut feeling...this weird premonition that something big will hit the West.
The peace that we're so fortunate to attain is a little too good to be true. It's scary...

Monday, November 11, 2013

Sunday, November 10, 2013

week with my uncle here

Due to a huge misunderstanding my uncle is coming on Friday, not Tuesday...I changed my work schedule and now I ended up working every day from Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday (the days I don't have school). In the end, I ended up going out every day...until late. Well, all in all, I wasn't really about to take my uncle around like I intended to.

At least last night I was able to eat king Crab and Peking Duck! It was delicious and my uncle's treat.  Another failure was...due to my constant debit card usage, I'm not able to treat my uncle to a meal either
-sigh- I'm not sure if my constant debit usage is good or bad...I guess I don't exactly like carrying cash around much these days.  Main thing is, after the amazing dinner, I took a walk with my uncle and got to chat with was awesome especially since I'm socially awkward these few days...

...And knowing me, I love hearing "stories" and just people's opinions and life stories.  It was great getting to talk to him in a deeper level..hearing his input on things as well as his perspective on the Cultural Revolution, as opposed to my dad's since my dad was young back then.  I like talking to my dad and my uncle, haha.

Anyways, it just got me thinking I should reflect more.  Reflect on how to improve, rather than only on my negatives or the negatives in general.  And I really need to start searching for what I love...and stop floating around idly.  Knowing my personality, I hate not knowing...but because of my personality, I get bored so easily.  I just can't put my heart to anything...and my lack of confidence and fear of failure made me turn away opportunities I should've and could've taken.

I also need to change my lifestyle...get back to my exercising since my back has been aching like crazy, save up for my trip, learn to give people distance -ahem- I mean you, if you're reading, and learn to appreciate in a way which is not when everything is too late and I have caused a mess.
Hopefully this desire to change will go through. -sigh-

Thursday, November 7, 2013

so dead tomorrow

dead tired, but can't fall asleep because I chugged down a bottle of those Starbucks Vanilla Frappuccino during my lunch break in preparations for an intense night cramming session for my second econ midterm that will be worth 25%...which I learned/realized last night.

I. Am. So. Dead.

A part of me, just a few moments ago, considered...what if I was wrong? What if there isn't a midterm tomorrow? Oh my gosh..the sad life. So fail -cries-
All I got is music.  Chubchub and my rainbow, can't keep them up too long.
-sigh- I want to read manga.

Kind of hungry..

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Monday, November 4, 2013

the rare moments of appreciation i have

If you read my blog for some time, or if you know me in person for quite a while, it's quite obvious that my personality is not really the appreciative type.  Maybe that's the wrong way to put it...I guess it's more like, I have a stronger desire for what I don't have.  Despite knowing my current position in life is "near-perfect" where I have an education, friendship, love, and everything important...I am still at such a wrecked state.

Although I am thankful of what I have, I tend to look at things in a perspective where the flaws are more emphasized and I get upset over that.  Thus, I turn towards elsewhere to search for something I don't have...and yearn for it.  Until this moment, like now, hits me and I realize even if I get what I yearn's not complete and won't complete my desire.  What I seek for isn't not what I want...I want it...but I know when I get it, I will not be happy and will regret what I have to do to attain it...or who I have become by the end of it.

I guess patience is a virtue.  I need to sit it out and wait until it's the right time.  Not necessarily not do anything about what I want, but rather...wait until I know for certain I am ready for what I want and not act on irrationality.  I have to stop acting on instincts and just give in to the rare occasions of reason I  get.

Time to keep doing my homework.  Why do I do this to myself?

Saturday, November 2, 2013

moving on to my other music phases

The phase of music I'm in right now has moved again.  I have a feeling French is next...ah, Edith I miss you.  Anyways, I have been doing some thinking just a while ago and thinking about how my music interest changes with my life. Many times, I am impressed with the main people of my life and how they put up with me and the many calls I give them at random times of the night...

My bi-polar tendencies ticks myself off...and in general, it's just hard to stay constant and relevant to me or my life.  Really, it isn't the people, but myself.  I guess that's why there's so many that come and go because I do push people subtly at times...
I have no idea what I'm saying, but I'm in an emotional wreck, especially knowing I'm in the process of losing something special to me.

Oh, Mr. Darcy. ~

Anyways, was also looking at my course selection and I think I have found my third course.  A communication course that shouldn't be too hard and might actually be pretty okay of a course to take! Other than the last hour, today was awesome.  Satisfied my cravings and got to walk in the rain. A day at home with my papa bear, sort of, was what I needed...lazing on the couch with chubchub? Oh, yes.

So much homework, I guess I should get started!

Friday, November 1, 2013

bad ish good day

"Oh, but that one night
was more than just right.
I didn't leave you
cause I was all through.
Oh, I was overwhelmed
and frankly scared as h*ll
Because I really fell for you"

Planning on having an extremely lone day, ended up bumping to some people from the "past" or at least not really in the present and it was awesome seeing familiar faces.  I don't know, but it definitely brought up some feelings that make me miss the old times for sure.  Good times.

Feeling sort of mellow today, other than that moment of frustration during some point of the day. Really hate the effect you have on me to be honest.  Shouldn't exactly be as effected by everything than I have and that definitely caught me off guard.

Feel so restless and definitely lacking rest.  Was told my eye bags are awful and I can see closely my eyes are red-ish, along with two new grown pimple on my freakin' face that irks me.  Oh, did I mention a new pressure factor next week? Not necessarily meant to give me pressure...but I still feel panic.  Or it's just me..

I also got my first direct deposit paycheque! No splurging yet...Need new laptop. Not that my baby isn't awesome, but it's sort of failing on me.
Also want to appreciate the fact that it's so obvious my dad is home when there's warm soup waiting for me...despite my disappointment that it's been the third time in a row where I haven't eaten with my papa bear yet. -sigh-

Anyways, good night!