Saturday, November 23, 2013

am i still regretting?

Regrets.  Something I tend to have...

Was it the right decision to stay here instead of going to Toronto?  A part of me knew that if I went, I would be forced to stay in the faculty...instead of being like where I am now, floating.  The possibility of failing or even just barely passing my econ class will jeopardize my chances of transferring to business or another school.  And with that transferring plan dying, I will be stuck where I don't want to be and everything I have been working towards will go down the drain.

I'm not blaming where I am now on the fact that I didn't leave.  But if I didn't leave, will that force me to go through with things instead of being all wishy-washy here? For sure, with all these options I keep thinking up of here...I am not settling down and working towards one.  Well, I am definitely not interested enough in any of the faculties for me to feel that passion that I always want about something.

What made me want to blog about this is because I just finished an anime that has always been on my list.  I watched the drama for it already and put off watching the anime so I had something to wait for..and just, I knew I will feel this way and I didn't want to.  Although it's not an out-of-this-world kind of anime...I love it and will definitely be on the top of my list.  Made me tear up and just admire those who work towards their passion...overcoming the obstacles, whether it's because of the competition out there or the time limit and so on...It made me think about the question I have always wondered in the back of my mind:

Do I regret quitting piano?

Piano, when I think about it, has been my entire childhood.  Two three hours of practice everyday on that Yamaha in a room that was made into the piano.  Playing the scales, practicing sight reading, listening to my own music again and again.  I still remember my hatred for it...and I remember how I did not enjoy playing at all...whether it's practice, recital or competitions.  I remember how I would pound my fingers down on the ivory keys during the forte to express my anger and hope my mom can hear the dissatisfaction I felt.  I remember thinking about ways to pretend I'm too sick or my arm is too cramped to continue to practice.

I remember laying on the bench and just stare up at the ceiling and wonder when someone will open up the ceiling and pick me up from that piano room so I can stop and be free.  Practicing again and again.  Piece after piece...stretching my fingers to reach more keys, moving my arm faster to keep up and make up for my small hands, and trying to put emotions that I do not have into the piece. I couldn't do it.

Being told how I am like a log sitting on the bench and playing.  I didn't have enough emotion...nothing is being expressed through my music.  Despite having the technical skills, I wasn't creating music.  I hated that I wasn't, but I also can't make it happen the way everyone wanted it to.  I guess I was tired, so tired.  Tired of being compared, of being competitive, of practicing..I was so tired of the piano and the sound that just makes me want to cry thinking about it.

But now, after breathing piano for 5 years...and not touching one for 7 years or so...the last time I did, I just cried.  My fingers hardened...and despite remembering, faintly, the keys to the last pieces I played...I sucked.  I can't even play anymore.  No emotions and no technical skills...it's not that I don't want to play anymore.  I can't play.  That breaks my heart, despite how much I love classical.  I love classical music and I love the sound people create...I don't know if I regret the decision I made back then on quitting and having "freedom".  Maybe if I didn't make that decision, some things in my life would be better?

Anyways, time to go read and to bed listening to Gershwin.

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