happy chinese new year!

a few years back, it was boring (and annoying) annual chinese comedy show to celebrate, the smell of hot pot, cheering people, and red...lots of festive red.
flash back to now. silence. no lights all turned on for good luck.
tears, frustration, and just not the same.

i don't know if it's the headache combined with the sudden anxiety attack...
or is it really everything else,
but keep finding myself falling into the pit.

"it's the state of mind" so i was told...
my "way of escaping" - which is the worse habit - is because it's conditioned.
i don't think i'm desensitized...so thats why it doesn't hurt.
it's not a distraction...
it's my way of escaping, my way of numbing, my way to keep control.

ultimately, in the end, all you have is yourself.
when you're in the darkest time...when you're in need of the most help
theres no one to call...
no one reaches out
theres no soul mate
theres no one that truly understands and know what you're thinking...
you only have yourself to accompany you

who knew back then it would be like this now.
who knew i would've sat on the floor and try to pour out my heart so that more would hurt and come crashing down. who knew i would spend nights crying into my pillow - oh wait, that didn't change...

chinese new year, i hope it was great for every one.
at least i got to re connect with some people through messaging.