finally summer and I still can't stop lying to myself

Finally finished my accounting final and Frosh work is pretty much done (training on Thursday!).  We are currently about to order the volunteer and attendees shirts and most of the swag are done (I hope).  At least my part is done.

Can't believe it's finally summer and with all the extra time, I realized I have so much to do...but back to my old self again: where I am too lazy to do it.
My baking, my writing, my art, videos, photography, blogging, music, manga, anime, movies, dramas, and just about everything!

Honestly, I don't know where I want to start.

But after thinking about it for a bit...I think I'm just scared of failure...
what it my stories aren't well received?
What if I fail?

Then my dreams will be crushed...or that lil' tiny motivation I have.
I guess that's also why I tend to cram studying for my finals...
it gives me that little glimmer of to think: Well, I didn't try my best, that's why I didn't do so well. If I did try hard, I would've done better.

I think I'm most tempted to continue my writing, but all I have written were fanfictions and I really don't know how to dive in there...

-sigh- I'll keep thinking about it and probably try and blog more, not that much of this is being read.

a month since

I can't believe it's been a month since I last blogged...

It's more shocking to know that it's been a month since I've been to Vegas and finished my case competition and just now it's finals time! Time really does go by fast...but at this moment, it's very slow.
Laying in my bed still, I have been up since 11 and it feels like it's been 5 hours though it's only 1:33pm right now.

Today suppose to be my study day, but I just can't get rid of the feeling of starting something new.  I watched the movie: What to Expect When You're Expecting, a comedy, to basically cheer myself up due to a bad day at work (full of burns and just...mean customers, but also really nice ones too) and a 'scary' event that occurred too...
where the creeper came by my work place again and saw me after work, when I was heading out the washroom, but that's a story for another time.

It has also been bugging me how I stopped writing my stories now...or just writing in general since I rarely blog.  I also stopped doodling/drawing.  Nothing really is stopping me, other than laziness, but it just makes me feel like I'm not really myself.  At the same time, nothing is really pushing me to either...
and now I just want to start a new project...or multiple projects...to begin my movie reviewing again (so it will encourage me to watch movies again), to start/finish my stories and ideas, to doodling in my dream journal again (since my dreams are coming back), and to actually cook/bake and blog.

My exercise plan will come next.
So...what to do first?
I think I'll go watch a movie...and maybe study later.

:)

long awaited vacation!

have arrived at Vdara hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada.

the trip didn't start off well, but definitely ended way better.  Haven't been here since grade...4 or 5? my standards have definitely increased (haha!) and i realized there's so little time and so many things i want to do.  definitely a great place to come with friends, crashing a hotel together and going shopping + sight-seeing.

saw a random guy in a transformers bumble bee outfit while we drove by Paris Paris hotel.
Staring at the Rio hotel from our suite...

guess it's time for bed!
totally missing my bbear...

good night!

Before finishing, i have to share -- Nell ~

Nell's soft spot in my heart, always.

-sigh- I'm so sick and in bed.
Going to be so tough these few days...
got to get through them!

Process on being positive is still on the go
so far, pretty good.

2 weeks before i leave!
almost there.

also...
thinking of starting and finishing a few projects.
dad has been wanting me to start writing again,
i haven't written any stories for 3 ish years now
how nostalgic

nell's nostalgic music... hmmm

looking for 'em changes!

Looking at the changes that are coming
and facing them.

Now I'm hoping I can get a change in environment and see if I can make changes of my own. I don't know...I hope things will work out.
Make the best of what comes at us, right?

Need to blog more...
watch more movies
more anime
more manga
more fanfic
more of everything so no regret.

Note to self: next summer, trip to Hong Kong for sure so I will have no regret and now complains.
Gotta start doing what I said I'm setting out to do.

Hopefully I can keep this positive thoughts and goals up.
Don't know how much you read this though I do tell you guys this when we do talk, but thanks for being by my side.
Through thick and thin, right?

:) I'm lucky.

different sort of pain...

in my life, i have felt this sort of pain twice.
except this time it's permanent.
first time feeling this sort of pain...
so unbearable and heart wrenching...

feels like the world is gone
and i have lost a huge part of me...never to get it back.
and the chances of it is slim...
even if i grow that part of me back..it won't be the same.

this sudden change...
that happened in an instant.
a snap, a cut...
bam!
it's over...
feels so unreal...
can't register.

after more than a year, i still haven't fully register i have graduated highschool.
(i still think it's a temporary thing)
and now i need to realize this? face this?

i dont think i can.
i dont think i ever can.

so i wonder...

realized my insecurities are creeping back again. it makes me feel annoying trying to find reassurance constantly, but i need it.  it makes me feel even worse when i feel the frustration and hear denial.

been rethinking about everything i once thought it true...
trying to re-evaluate what i said and what i hope.
is it really realistic? or just my wishful thinking?
that makes me so sad...

feeling so tired and my negative thoughts,
i find,
creeps back once in a while.
it scares me...

i do feel i have been more positive and due to keeping myself constantly occupied, i don't have the time to well up in my own sorrows and be negative.
but sometimes, i find myself so changed that i don't feel like me anymore.
am i really better like this? than who i am?
the person i was when i felt like myself? is that really better?
am i more well liked and more well received this way?
the obvious answer if i actually asked would be no...i should be who i am.
but really, let's be frank, that's not always the case.

its just things feel different.
just ain't the same...and i don't know if its me or not...
or my overthinking and insecurities?
so is the change really a good thing?