long awaited vacation!

have arrived at Vdara hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada.

the trip didn't start off well, but definitely ended way better.  Haven't been here since grade...4 or 5? my standards have definitely increased (haha!) and i realized there's so little time and so many things i want to do.  definitely a great place to come with friends, crashing a hotel together and going shopping + sight-seeing.

saw a random guy in a transformers bumble bee outfit while we drove by Paris Paris hotel.
Staring at the Rio hotel from our suite...

guess it's time for bed!
totally missing my bbear...

good night!

Before finishing, i have to share -- Nell ~

Nell's soft spot in my heart, always.

-sigh- I'm so sick and in bed.
Going to be so tough these few days...
got to get through them!

Process on being positive is still on the go
so far, pretty good.

2 weeks before i leave!
almost there.

also...
thinking of starting and finishing a few projects.
dad has been wanting me to start writing again,
i haven't written any stories for 3 ish years now
how nostalgic

nell's nostalgic music... hmmm

looking for 'em changes!

Looking at the changes that are coming
and facing them.

Now I'm hoping I can get a change in environment and see if I can make changes of my own. I don't know...I hope things will work out.
Make the best of what comes at us, right?

Need to blog more...
watch more movies
more anime
more manga
more fanfic
more of everything so no regret.

Note to self: next summer, trip to Hong Kong for sure so I will have no regret and now complains.
Gotta start doing what I said I'm setting out to do.

Hopefully I can keep this positive thoughts and goals up.
Don't know how much you read this though I do tell you guys this when we do talk, but thanks for being by my side.
Through thick and thin, right?

:) I'm lucky.

different sort of pain...

in my life, i have felt this sort of pain twice.
except this time it's permanent.
first time feeling this sort of pain...
so unbearable and heart wrenching...

feels like the world is gone
and i have lost a huge part of me...never to get it back.
and the chances of it is slim...
even if i grow that part of me back..it won't be the same.

this sudden change...
that happened in an instant.
a snap, a cut...
bam!
it's over...
feels so unreal...
can't register.

after more than a year, i still haven't fully register i have graduated highschool.
(i still think it's a temporary thing)
and now i need to realize this? face this?

i dont think i can.
i dont think i ever can.

so i wonder...

realized my insecurities are creeping back again. it makes me feel annoying trying to find reassurance constantly, but i need it.  it makes me feel even worse when i feel the frustration and hear denial.

been rethinking about everything i once thought it true...
trying to re-evaluate what i said and what i hope.
is it really realistic? or just my wishful thinking?
that makes me so sad...

feeling so tired and my negative thoughts,
i find,
creeps back once in a while.
it scares me...

i do feel i have been more positive and due to keeping myself constantly occupied, i don't have the time to well up in my own sorrows and be negative.
but sometimes, i find myself so changed that i don't feel like me anymore.
am i really better like this? than who i am?
the person i was when i felt like myself? is that really better?
am i more well liked and more well received this way?
the obvious answer if i actually asked would be no...i should be who i am.
but really, let's be frank, that's not always the case.

its just things feel different.
just ain't the same...and i don't know if its me or not...
or my overthinking and insecurities?
so is the change really a good thing?

another transition

a song to remind me, now that it's silent, of the rain.
i think
i'm going through another transitional phase.
but it helps to know that
no matter what
we will have each other

back to the state of comfort
i think this is a good place
a few things
happened
within these couple of days
that has
impacted me.
what matters:
my priorities, my goals, my wishes.
what is more important?
will there be regrets?

i find myself
wishing for more time...
yet wishing time will go by quicker.
my selfish actions,
my stubborn reactions,
my frustrated attempts,
all resulted in this regret?

just as long as i know
you guys will be
by my side...
after i figure things out.
i will be fine.

much love
&&
appreciation.
thank you :)

goals && promises

Been trying to keep my focus on what I said I will do. So far, it's not really working.  I've been doing things that aren't top priority rather than keeping up with my readings and working on homework.
After this, I will start...

I will have to start or I'm going to regret it and resent myself.

Starting to feel more and more numb.

The promises I made in the past, I realized, I can't really uphold...
at least so far, I haven't been able to keep them - which is so unfortunate. Not that I break all of them, but come to think of it, I just feel like it's going to be a regret that will stick to me for a long time...
Since I can't keep my own promises, I realized it is so unfair of me to expect others to keep mine...to even have such high expectations.

It's not that I have too high of an expectation anymore...
or that people aren't keeping up to it,
but rather...who am I to set these expectations? Who am I to expect anything when I can't even do them myself...when I shouldn't be expecting anything, but rather feel blessed for anything to happen?

Admist these thoughts...I have lost myself.
Where did my spirit go? Where did my stubborn self go?
Where's the backbone?

I'm weak.