Before finishing, i have to share -- Nell ~

Nell's soft spot in my heart, always.

-sigh- I'm so sick and in bed.
Going to be so tough these few days...
got to get through them!

Process on being positive is still on the go
so far, pretty good.

2 weeks before i leave!
almost there.

also...
thinking of starting and finishing a few projects.
dad has been wanting me to start writing again,
i haven't written any stories for 3 ish years now
how nostalgic

nell's nostalgic music... hmmm

looking for 'em changes!

Looking at the changes that are coming
and facing them.

Now I'm hoping I can get a change in environment and see if I can make changes of my own. I don't know...I hope things will work out.
Make the best of what comes at us, right?

Need to blog more...
watch more movies
more anime
more manga
more fanfic
more of everything so no regret.

Note to self: next summer, trip to Hong Kong for sure so I will have no regret and now complains.
Gotta start doing what I said I'm setting out to do.

Hopefully I can keep this positive thoughts and goals up.
Don't know how much you read this though I do tell you guys this when we do talk, but thanks for being by my side.
Through thick and thin, right?

:) I'm lucky.

different sort of pain...

in my life, i have felt this sort of pain twice.
except this time it's permanent.
first time feeling this sort of pain...
so unbearable and heart wrenching...

feels like the world is gone
and i have lost a huge part of me...never to get it back.
and the chances of it is slim...
even if i grow that part of me back..it won't be the same.

this sudden change...
that happened in an instant.
a snap, a cut...
bam!
it's over...
feels so unreal...
can't register.

after more than a year, i still haven't fully register i have graduated highschool.
(i still think it's a temporary thing)
and now i need to realize this? face this?

i dont think i can.
i dont think i ever can.

so i wonder...

realized my insecurities are creeping back again. it makes me feel annoying trying to find reassurance constantly, but i need it.  it makes me feel even worse when i feel the frustration and hear denial.

been rethinking about everything i once thought it true...
trying to re-evaluate what i said and what i hope.
is it really realistic? or just my wishful thinking?
that makes me so sad...

feeling so tired and my negative thoughts,
i find,
creeps back once in a while.
it scares me...

i do feel i have been more positive and due to keeping myself constantly occupied, i don't have the time to well up in my own sorrows and be negative.
but sometimes, i find myself so changed that i don't feel like me anymore.
am i really better like this? than who i am?
the person i was when i felt like myself? is that really better?
am i more well liked and more well received this way?
the obvious answer if i actually asked would be no...i should be who i am.
but really, let's be frank, that's not always the case.

its just things feel different.
just ain't the same...and i don't know if its me or not...
or my overthinking and insecurities?
so is the change really a good thing?

another transition

a song to remind me, now that it's silent, of the rain.
i think
i'm going through another transitional phase.
but it helps to know that
no matter what
we will have each other

back to the state of comfort
i think this is a good place
a few things
happened
within these couple of days
that has
impacted me.
what matters:
my priorities, my goals, my wishes.
what is more important?
will there be regrets?

i find myself
wishing for more time...
yet wishing time will go by quicker.
my selfish actions,
my stubborn reactions,
my frustrated attempts,
all resulted in this regret?

just as long as i know
you guys will be
by my side...
after i figure things out.
i will be fine.

much love
&&
appreciation.
thank you :)

goals && promises

Been trying to keep my focus on what I said I will do. So far, it's not really working.  I've been doing things that aren't top priority rather than keeping up with my readings and working on homework.
After this, I will start...

I will have to start or I'm going to regret it and resent myself.

Starting to feel more and more numb.

The promises I made in the past, I realized, I can't really uphold...
at least so far, I haven't been able to keep them - which is so unfortunate. Not that I break all of them, but come to think of it, I just feel like it's going to be a regret that will stick to me for a long time...
Since I can't keep my own promises, I realized it is so unfair of me to expect others to keep mine...to even have such high expectations.

It's not that I have too high of an expectation anymore...
or that people aren't keeping up to it,
but rather...who am I to set these expectations? Who am I to expect anything when I can't even do them myself...when I shouldn't be expecting anything, but rather feel blessed for anything to happen?

Admist these thoughts...I have lost myself.
Where did my spirit go? Where did my stubborn self go?
Where's the backbone?

I'm weak.

drastic change

It's been a long time since I have blogged and this is the time of the year where I want to have a drastic change.  I'm not sure if cutting my hair short is really what I want to go towards, especially since I don't exactly have a style I want.
I don't know if I'm allowed to dye my hair and if piercings is an option I have...

I guess it will be a life style change?
Get a grouse grind pass and go grouse grinding more?
Not sure...

Well, a lot has happened since my last blog.
I have decided to change and be more positive, have a better outlook and stop resorting to my comfortable negativity. Today and yesterday was sort of a fall back to the old routine again.
I feel like the negativity and tears were a sort of outlet for me...but the last few days, the pent up stress just delayed my monthly and made me became more cranky.
If you were around me at all, you would've noticed I was moody or get ticked off really easily.

I'm so tired.
Today is my first day alone after 3 weeks of non-stop going out and being occupied.  I actually went out for 3/4 of my summer break and every day since.

My tactic originally was to keep myself busy so I won't have the time to think negatively or start moping about life, but instead, I found myself having no time for myself.  I guess everything just made me more tired and more cranky.
And my negative thoughts did kick in a bit, which is why I find myself getting annoyed of how people can't be a bit more considerate...knowing I am tired and busy and having quite a feel migraines.
My migraines/headaches are getting more frequent that I just stop taking advils or tynenols because I would be taking too much.

Anyways, as I was saying, sort of getting annoyed with how despite how I'm busy...I still find myself being the person who has to go out of my way in order to connect with others. To be the one trying to change my schedule and be the one doing the planning for things. Don't know if I'm explaining it properly, but just fed up. It feels so one sided...whether I'm the busy one or the not busy one...the roles have not changed. I'm still putting in more effort.

-sigh-
Enough of the complaining...I feel a headache coming on.  Perhaps the headaches are a sign for me to stop being so negative? My consequence for ranting.

What have I been up to lately? Well, I dropped one of my course (math) because I realized I would've been even more busy than I am and I am so thankful I did.  Now I'm only retaking my accounting class because last semester, I sacrificed accounting for micro-econ and found myself not studying at all for accounting...resulting in a terribly low mark.  In fact, I'm pretty thankful I didn't fail, but I need a higher mark in order to fully transfer.  I have been busy with prepping/training with my Peak Case Competition team so we have been meeting up quite frequently, building slides and practicing our presentation to our coach.  There's a lot of time I spent just reading.  Whether for class or for the case comp, I find myself being behind. Lastly, starting next next week, I will be attending weekly frosh meetings as a part of the organizing committee as the director of volunteers.  Pretty psyched for that, but I know it's a busy time for me.
Oh, and at work, I will be training my friend! Starting Friday and Saturday, which I am also so psyched about.

Time for me to finish the last two episodes of my series...which I was watching in April. By the way, I also took the opportunity today to build my very first model out of polymer clay! A Beemo! Sadly, I over baked it and it's a little burnt...