有时间，我真的很不了解自己。不知道为什么觉得其他人会明白我但自己想要什么，需要什么， 在想什么都不知道。
也许我的要求太高了。不是每一个人都会跟我的想法一样。。。

可能我真的是一个很自私的人。

king lear

King Lear at the Havana theatre was awesome! :)

Completely different from my previous experiences with Plays.  Although Bard on the Beach is somewhat interactive, this was my first time in a small theatre where the audience is really included in the setting.  Definitely enjoyed it and would love to see something like this again.
I really think I should see other versions of King Lear.  The one today portrayed Lear as going mad during the tempest and angry.  I would love to see other interpretations.  After waiting for Godot, I think I really like Simon Webb, the actor. :)

Anyways, I love watching plays.  x)~
Thinking back, I don't think I have seen many though:
Midsummer's Nights Dream, Othello, MacHomer (animation/play?), Waiting for Godot, and King Lear.
This summer, going to make sure I watch many shows!  Still very upset I missed the Swan Lake ballet show in Hong Kong :(
-sigh-

anyways, time to start homework.

; a change is made.

today, i went through a change.

i think it was necessary and it had to be today, this week. been feeling a little down lately and things just keep going wrong with me, as a person.  i keep getting angry and annoyed at people and can't deal with the problems that need me to deal with, whether it is partially my problem or not.

without certain support from some people - i wouldn't be able to go through with this emotional train wreck. thank you for being there by my side physically, and thank you for being by with me mentally.

also, today was an amazing anniversary date. best dinner :)

; from you

you wrote this for me a few years back; after rereading it at the end of 2011 and once more today, i feel...don't really know how to explain.
i don't know if you know, but sometimes, you just write messages to me that help me so much, i'm not sure you really know how much it affects me.  even just the novels you lend me or the music you share, they change me so much.

"My Dear Friend" - R. Dominguez


My dear friend,
please don't cry.
I'm here for you,
and that's no lie.


My dear friend,
you can do something amazing with your life.
Please stop ruining yourself,
with that stupid knife.


My dear friend,
things don't always go right.
But I know you're strong,
and you can win this right.


My dear friend,
this road takes us on such a long ride.
But no matter what,
I'll always be by your side.

thank yous.

feels kinda sad when...

i see the little kids who use to be my 'little buddies' for reading time, in elementary schools, grow up. makes me realize how so much time have gone by...

now, i don't know any teachers or any students in Brighouse anymore.  what a pity...

so many changes.

insomnia

i think my insomnia is back again.

well, it probably never left me, to be honest.  ib work have definitely taken a toll on me and i guess that resulted in my ability to sleep right after school.  with everyone pulling all nighters, i think my weird nightly habits doesn't seem so odd and unnatural.  i think this kind of made me feel normal.

either way, i guess i should start finding something new to occupy myself.  previously, i used anime and manga as a distraction to keep my occupied - i guess that's why people assumed i was addicted to anime and such.
music doesn't help, sadly.

i tried listening to music earlier, a couple hours ago to calm myself down.  didn't work :( i was constantly restless and basically ruined the song.  the beautiful instrumental was now tainted.

i hate insomnia.  i hate the shadows that creep around the light.  i hate the eerie figure that leers above me.  i hate the dark aura behind my back.  i hate the images.  i hate the flashes of these faces unknown to me.  i hate the taunting smile that lingers in the corner of my eye.
i hate the illusions; i hate the nightmares;  i hate the hallucinations; i hate this paranoia.

....
surprisingly, even after biology class, i am still wide awake.  hopefully, i can last all the way till after school.

; sometimes

sometimes, i lay in bed thinking or just staring at the ceiling.  i think about what i'm doing, what i have accomplished and what i want to do.
i think about the people around me, the people i have met, the people i have disconnected with.

i think about how i am feeling, how i have been feeling and how i wanted myself to be like.

; i think i have done this for many years, just laying there one morning, watching the color of my room change as the morning brightens the sky.

i realized although i'm growing (physically, a little), i still do the same things.  i still lay there and think and watch the ceiling with my bunny in my arms. i reminisce about the my old home.  my mind goes on a nostalgic journey, running through the many different ceilings i stared blankly at.  how the different angles of the position of my bed made me feel.  i feel like i'm floating.

recently, although i know i've gone through most of my stressful times already...and that there is only a little left to go before i'm free, i realized how lost i was.  ever since my accomplishment of h.i. and e.e. and the 'major assignments', accompanied by the release of the predicteds, i have been floating.  the assignments were what tied me down to this world and what kept me going(?) it created this common connection between the others and i.  it was something i had to go through to grow and to learn. but since most of ib is over, it feels as if i've fallen further in my confusion.

i really am growing.  i really don't know what to do.  although many people are going through the same confusion, i am unable to connect with their confusion.  i am confused with what i am confused with.  perhaps i really need to go on that trip i have always wanted to go with.

unknown to many, one night from two ago, i was ready to pack my bags and leave.  i knew what i had to pack, i knew where my passports were, i live near the airport, i knew what tickets to buy.  the only issue was the initial money to acquire the ticket.  i was ready to leave. i was going to leave.
so what if i actually had every?  would i be on the beach, looking out at the beautiful blue sea? breathing in the sea?
if i bought that last minute ticket to where ever.  i would be blogging at a different location. not in my room.  i would be lost and free. i would be floating.  i would be...

i guess my spiritual journey will have to hold.

anyways, i guess i just miss my old self.  i miss the feeling.  i miss staring blankly at the ceiling.  i miss being me.  i miss thinking about things.  i keep feeling glimpse of myself through songs, but every time i get closer, i lose it.  i get mad. i get annoyed. i get stressed. it's so close, yet so far. definitely.  i feel so caged by my freedom.  i want to be tied down to the world because of my connections.

i hate this feeling of detachment. these clipped wings.