; sometimes

sometimes, i lay in bed thinking or just staring at the ceiling.  i think about what i'm doing, what i have accomplished and what i want to do.
i think about the people around me, the people i have met, the people i have disconnected with.

i think about how i am feeling, how i have been feeling and how i wanted myself to be like.

; i think i have done this for many years, just laying there one morning, watching the color of my room change as the morning brightens the sky.

i realized although i'm growing (physically, a little), i still do the same things.  i still lay there and think and watch the ceiling with my bunny in my arms. i reminisce about the my old home.  my mind goes on a nostalgic journey, running through the many different ceilings i stared blankly at.  how the different angles of the position of my bed made me feel.  i feel like i'm floating.

recently, although i know i've gone through most of my stressful times already...and that there is only a little left to go before i'm free, i realized how lost i was.  ever since my accomplishment of h.i. and e.e. and the 'major assignments', accompanied by the release of the predicteds, i have been floating.  the assignments were what tied me down to this world and what kept me going(?) it created this common connection between the others and i.  it was something i had to go through to grow and to learn. but since most of ib is over, it feels as if i've fallen further in my confusion.

i really am growing.  i really don't know what to do.  although many people are going through the same confusion, i am unable to connect with their confusion.  i am confused with what i am confused with.  perhaps i really need to go on that trip i have always wanted to go with.

unknown to many, one night from two ago, i was ready to pack my bags and leave.  i knew what i had to pack, i knew where my passports were, i live near the airport, i knew what tickets to buy.  the only issue was the initial money to acquire the ticket.  i was ready to leave. i was going to leave.
so what if i actually had every?  would i be on the beach, looking out at the beautiful blue sea? breathing in the sea?
if i bought that last minute ticket to where ever.  i would be blogging at a different location. not in my room.  i would be lost and free. i would be floating.  i would be...

i guess my spiritual journey will have to hold.

anyways, i guess i just miss my old self.  i miss the feeling.  i miss staring blankly at the ceiling.  i miss being me.  i miss thinking about things.  i keep feeling glimpse of myself through songs, but every time i get closer, i lose it.  i get mad. i get annoyed. i get stressed. it's so close, yet so far. definitely.  i feel so caged by my freedom.  i want to be tied down to the world because of my connections.

i hate this feeling of detachment. these clipped wings.