attempting progress

so it's been a while since my last blog post...

After that has happened, I won't lie, but death has been on my mind for a while.  I thought about what it means to live and to die.  And just a whole bunch of random junk, haha.  I was depressed, especially since before, I was sort of going through an identity crisis...trying to figure (as usual, like everyone) what I want out of life...what I want to do.


Since I don't know the answer still, I have sorted my thoughts at least.  It became my goal to figure it out.  I (with a little help) has set out goals...and to just begin my journey to improve myself.  Life is short, as I have always been told, and I don't want to keep dwelling in my past...like on who I use to be before.  I don't want to be upset about losing the passion I had for hobbies I use to love.  I decide to move forward and stop procrastinating, but really move ahead.  To improve myself, be more independent, get out of my bad habits and do what I want to do.

A few things in mind:
1. Be healthy, maintain exercise
2. Keep up my skincare routine (I keep breaking out whenever I stop for a day or two!)
3. Eat healthy and regularly (couldn't eat recently since lost my appetite due to all these sudden shocking news and thought processing...causing me to now want to throw up again..sigh)
4. Be more organized and tidy (waking early already)
5. Get back to what I use to love and rediscover what it is I want to be passionate about
6. Be less dependent on friends, family, loved ones (be more independent)
7. Work on my tolerance, patience, confidence, and personal attributes I want to have
8. Focus on school, keep up with readings and no cramming
9. Work on letting go of past, moving forward and appreciating what and who I have
10. Be more reflective than regret what I didn't do

So the list goes on of course, like more details on what attributes I want (to be more caring and more logical).  I think now is a good time (before university ends, before co-op begins) to focus on myself.  And since I will be focusing on myself, I will be less dependent on others...the friends and loved ones around me can do what they need to do than worry about me. I guess I somehow convince myself to get off my lazy butt and do this is to show people around me they don't need to worry...and so that after I figure myself out (be actually happy and stuff), I will be able to get along with friends, family and loved ones better.

I totally lost my train of thought, haha.  But yeah, just in general, it's time for self-improvement! :) Wishing to show everyone I can do it, so they won't worry so much.  And look forward to being with the new and improved me...and instead, depend on me as well! :D
And want to be with me...lol, since obviously, the gloomy me (or at least I feel) is attracting concerns and worries, rather than real two-way care.

Really appreciate the friends and team-mates (although the OC doesn't even read this blog) for asking if I am okay when I told them about someone passing away...and understanding that I was feeling a sudden shock.  Also appreciate the concerns and care everyone offered me, regardless of their own situation and busy schedules! Wouldn't know how to get out of this rut and think things clearly through without help from loved ones.

I know I will have a rocky start, and maybe even fall into a rut once in a while, but I will climb back out and make people proud :) So that I can stand by you guys' side and you guys will want me to for my awesomness and coolness.  Thank you for the love :) Hopefully, I will earn it...or earn even more in the future (and you guys won't feel it was a waste to love and care about me all this time).  Going to make sure I be someone who can stand by my friends' side and they're happy to have me there, or want me there. (<< explanation: I feel like I'm leeching off people's positivity, haha)

Anyways, time to peace out for now before I keep dragging out.  Too "long breath"

Progress report, over. (y)