Had Enough...

You know what? I had enough of people's temper. Not saying I don't have a temper myself because everyone has one, but I'm really trying REALLY hard to work on mine and try to overlook things. Of course, I'm still that impatient person who can't really wait for things (even though I end up doing so) and I'm sure that probably won't change...which is why I wish I got more of my dad's genes since he's so awesome and patient with everything (which sometimes makes him boring xD). Like, sometimes, he could just sit there and read his books for hours and hours. Well, when he smokes, he's usually outside reading or just thinking. Of course, I can read for hours and hours myself without moving at all (other than flipping pages), but that's only when my 'reading mode' is on. Like now, I'm in my movie moment.

Anyhow, ever since my fight with NL in grade 8, she had awakened me and made me realize that it's always her whose apologizing to me and I never apologize to anyone. I reflected on myself and realized, even though sometimes, when it is my fault, I never say sorry. That made me change so nowadays, when I'm wrong, I would be apologizing. The problem here is, I do want to stand my ground and go with what I believe. I think I've been taking the first step and apologizing even though I don't think I'm wrong. It's really bothering me now because I don't want 'fights' or arguments to last long which will damage my relationship with people, so I end up apologizing, even when I think I'm right. I really can't stand for what I believe and just give in and apologize. So now it's just p'ssing me off how I always apologize first...

Not that apologizing is a bad thing, but just as I have mentioned, I'm apologizing even though I don't think I'm wrong. So when people suddenly get mad or whatever and treat like poop (that's what I think), I end up being the first to talk and all that. Like, just in general, the way people treat me: They talk to me whenever they feel like it and when I want to talk, they don't reply or they're in a bad day and just show me their attitude. "Like hey, I'm not your mom...I don't have to put up with that attitude of your's"...is what I really want to say, but if I say that...for sure it will cause a fight, making the matters worse. So in the end, I end up putting with it, though I feel like garbage and offended. Sometimes, I would try and ask if they're mad at me and stuff...though I honestly, I am p'ssed.

Like, if I do the same thing, talking to them whenever I want to...it makes me feel bad and in the end, I will just that. It never last long, the 'defense' I try to put up. I've tried silent treatment, but I end up giving up on that too. I try avoiding, but then it never really works out afterwards. I just wish people will start respecting me because I'm REALLY trying hard to work on my temper. I'm sure that one day, if this continues...I will actually explode and trust me, my anger is not even a joke. I'm pretty amazed by how much of my temper I have compressed deep within me. The anger people have seen me shown, is not even 1% of how angry I can be.

Anyways, this is a reason why I wish to be a loner. If I'm alone with a wall around me, I won't be offended, I won't need to care about other people's feelings and all that. Life would be much more easier, but then again...I find human connection, their bonds and relationships are so weird and unique so I will probably continue...

unless I really had enough of this because no matter how interesting and amusing something is...I really can't put up with people's temper when I'm trying hard to not show mine.

unfair.