Thursday, February 18, 2010

family. help :(

I feel that perhaps, I am the world's most cold hearted and cruelest person ever.

I really despise how I think sometimes. I hate how I would feel anger, then I would forget about it and forgive. I hate how I hate that I forgive. Haha. So complicated, yes.

I had ask PYL once, what is family?


I feel that my family is a little wonky. We don't eat dinner together all the time at an exact time. In fact, we all eat at different times and not at the 'dinner table'. There is no 'dinner table' in this household. We don't have a christmas tree this year and we never do the whole santa claus thing. Never in my childhood, had I actually experience the whole santa claus thingy and receive presents from my parents since they buy my stuff at random times.

On TV, I always see parents being all loving and such, but my parents...they now sleep in seperate rooms. My mom has occupied the guest room and she never goes out with us anymore. She would always go out and come back late and such. I rarely talk to her.

I hate how sometimes, I try to be nice to her and such and I get mad at my sister for being so mean and cruel to her. When I tell my sister to stop, I realize my mom's actions are so...cold. I remember on Chinese New Year (Sunday), my brother's friends came over. We had hot pot and my mom kind of joined in. Once again, my sister was talking to her with thorns in every word. I told her to stop being so mean and she should just let it go. We got in a little arguement that lasted for 5 minutes, but it was all okay.

Afterwards, I saw how kind my mom was being to the kids, saying: "Eat more." She helped them get food (not that I mind since they are guests.) Afterwards, she told them she would clean up and they could leave the stuff behind and she will wash the dishes. Then, once they left, my dad came over (finally finished washing the dishes and preparing all the food for us), he was prepared to eat. My mom just left the dishes to my dad. I realized how cruel and cold she was.

At that time, I thought: My mom is so fake.

She also gave a red pocket to my brother...only him.

I hate how she's like this.
We're not a family anymore. I don't feel like I have a family. I'm just living with people under the same roof, no heart-warming, fuzzy family feelings.

I really pity my dad. He does the dishes, clean, laundry, pick us up from school and such. After he leaves, he has to go back to Hong Kong and work. All the money my mom is spending on her clothes, dresses, bags, shoes and all that are all my dad's money and she's not even speaking to him! I hate how my parents have no love.

I feel like my family is so messed up.

Even though I have problems, I don't feel like I can tell anyone since I don't want to put more weight onto my dad. He already has a lot to deal with. My younger brother has been feeling down lately and gets angry easily as well. I just wish we could go back to when we were younger. When my siblings and I would go all silly and my sister would trick my brother and I again and again. Even though I know she tricks me and she could be tricking me again, I would always fall for them.

I don't mind not living a fortunate life. I just want to experience a happy and heart-warming family. To be honest, I actually wish my parents would either just get back together or divorce. Right now, they're married, but in a way not. My mom is living in the same house as us, but not with us. I wish things aren't so wishy washy and more clear. I wish for so many things that won't come true.

I don't feel connected to anyone at all. Even though I love my dad, sister, brother and mom. In a way, I don't love them as well. Although I'm worried about them, I can't do anything. Everytime I try to help, I end up doing meaningless things that make things worst. I feel so far from them. They don't understand me. No one understands me. Not that anyone tries.

It's funny how no one knows what my favorite color, food, etc. etc. is. Well, I do tell people, but they tend to ignore what I'm saying, perhaps that's why no one knows? The thing is, I wonder if I WANT anyone to know....

-sigh- I should go to bed.

1 comment:

  1. That's why I said that family is people that u love and loves u back =D Even if everything seems dim and all one day, the light will shine into ur life. LOL so cheesy but it's the truth. It's fate. It's destiny. Nobody is born into the world just so that they can be alone. You are always paired up with somebody. Your strings are interwined and as you go through like more bonds are forged. Life is like that. It's not about how things was, how things are, and how things will be. It's about how you make it and what steps you take. Don't let what others do affect you that much, as long as you tried then it's enough.

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