insomnia

The reason why I'm blogging 5:30am in the morning was not because I stayed up watching Claymore or Gintama. Neither is it because I had nightmares BECAUSE of watching Claymore. Actually, I'm suffering from insomnia. Seriously, I have tried sleeping since 1am. Didn't work out so in the end I gave up and opened my laptop to play Sisen (this Mah-jong game I always play) and resume to watching Claymore.

I even doodled in my sketchbook! I looked through some of my sticky pictures to get some sweet dreams. I texted Jenn, I took a shower. I did everything, even fluff my pillow!

By the time you guys read this, it's most likely after school so if you see me with panda eyes at school, this is the reason!

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Talking about eyes, I actually really love my eyes. Well, not physically since I don't think my eyes are pretty, I wish I have silver eyes or green...something unique and exotic. Anyways, I love the way my eyes work. I love how I am able to see through people's facade, past their masks and everything. Seeing through people's fakeness, their lies and false kindness have definitely helped me. Allows me to make sure I don't get too close to some people and I won't be used.

Of course, there are downsides to this awesome ability. Seeing how fake some people can be disgusts me so much. It makes me want to run away and just leave because I feel so sick. It is amazing how fake some people can be, to one another and how people use others so obviously, but no one seems to notice! I wonder if I'm fake? I hope I don't seem that way to people. I feel like sometimes, I feel so unapproachable. Am I unapproachable? Like, usually, when I'm at school or just sitting in class, people won't exactly come and talk to me. (Like in chinese school, no one approached me). Well, of course I should take initiative, but hey, I don't bite...hard.

Aside from all that, I really don't like how some people follow others. Like, sometimes at lunch, when one person leaves, there's like 3 or 4 other people trailing behind that one person. What's with that? Aren't they all friends? So why are they all following that one person. It's so annoying seeing that in the hallways at school. It makes it seem like we have some heirachy or something where there would be a leader, a king/queen and followers.

And I really hate it when sometimes, people say hi to me. No, not that I hate people saying hi to me (don't stop greeting me!), but I hate how people who never really talk to me, says hi to me. Like, they're only doing it so it seems like they're popular and knows a lot of people. Usually, I would be staring in awkwardness and saying 'hi' back really slowly in a questioning sort of way. It bugs me how people use me. ):

I don't like how people use me to talk to when they have no friends and all that. Then, once a friend comes along, they just abandon me and talk to their friends. Way the make me feel like back up! I don't like how people use me solely for homework/project purposes. I end up spending all my time and effort in helping them, ditching MY homework/project, and then in the end...what do I get?...A 'kk'. Where's all the manners these day? Nobody says thank you's, you're welcome's, and bless you anymore. Yes, no one blesses me when I sneeze and that makes me feel very VERY sad. D:

Anyhow, so yeah. When I really can't help someone with their homework and I apologize, they make me feel so guilty in a way. Don't know if it's on purpose or not (probably not), but I do feel really bad. Hmmmm...how else do people use me? Well, there's a moment (last year), where this girl used me for music. I was SUPER obsessed with Korean music (before it got this hit), and I am always up to date! I always have the newest songs, the lastest news on everything. That's what happens when I get obsessed. ;D - Well, that girl, she would ask me for 'any good songs' and then I would spend my time, searching through my 500+ songs to find some for her and send it to her. Then, she would say she 'gtg' and then leave me. Sometimes, she would say thanks, but usually..she 'gtg', so she just says bye...And even at school, she doesn't even talk to me! I felt so angry, so then I did stop soon after.

I complain to much.

Complaining 5:48am in the morning. I'm such a loser. -sigh-

Still not sleepy so I will go watch some Claymore and think about maybe eating breakfast.

Good morning everyone!