odd day for no reason in particular

All of a sudden, probably an hour or so ago, I felt so suffocated.  I legit felt like I couldn't breathe and that the air wasn't getting into my lungs...so unfresh.  I had to open my window bigger and just...all my blankets just made me felt so claustrophobic.  I don't recall this happening to me...at least not for a while in years...

I mean I had a panic ish attack where I felt so much fear and anxiety around September or so...where my paranoia creeped up on me and I was home alone.  I have no idea if I blogged about this or not, but it was the first time I started physically shaking and crouched into a fetal position against my door, unable to undress into home clothing, and started crying.  I was so scared and ending up calling someone to talk for hours and after a while, I was able to get up and stop shaking.  That night was probably the longest night...

Anyways, well, yeah, earlier I wasn't shaking...but ended up crying a bit although it wasn't out of sadness.  It wasn't stress about the upcoming midterms either...and surprisingly, despite being unprepared, I am not panicking about that yet.  I don't know...I just feel sort of numb.  -sigh- I can't wait until my trip and to get out of here for a bit...

The pressure society puts on our post-secondary education...and just the competitive atmosphere where my fellow classmates and friends are so driven in their faculty with what they do (not that there's anything wrong with that...in fact, I'm envious), but it just makes me feel so behind.  I just want to get down on what faculty I want to be in...not even about what I want to do.  Or what my hobby is...? Anyways, before I waste time and go off on a tangent like I always do, I should go back to studying. 

My obsession with this song is just insane.

endless new starts

i make mistakes after mistakes...
what makes me different from others is that i am fortunate to have some one forgive me over and over again, letting me start anew each time...thinking it's worth it.
despite all my flaws, i am given countless chances to redeem myself each time.

thank you.

--
today, the eastbound skytrain to king george, which i take every day to get to surrey central, was stopped because a bomb was spotted on the tracks.
news were on it and made me freak out because today, due to the strike, my classes were cancelled.  I was ended up commuting for two and a half hours + back and forth...

although nothing happened, if something were to...i would be freaking out right now.
just two hours before, i was still on the skytrain...if i had stayed to catch breakfast or didn't text my classmate to learn about the class cancellation, i would've been stuck around the surrey area...stuffed into a shuttle bus to get by...

i realized how lucky i was today.
how lucky nothing happened...
the route i take every day...to have something like that happen is actually really scary. how long was it there? this whole time?

either way...i have been way too paranoid these past few days with nightmares. waking up every half an hour when i turn or move...
keep staying up and being awake.
it was due to the halloween horror episode thing i watched with my sister and her boyfriend and andy.
not the best idea...
i thought i matured and grew up, but i guess so did my active imagination..which resulted in my inability to sleep...i now depend on passing out to get some rest..
hopefully this ends soon. brainwashing myself with happy anime at the moment.

anyhow, good news is i figured my schedule for next semester.  very un-art, but i will be only at the burnaby campus.  guess now i can decide which i prefer and also, after the bomb incident, i kind of don't want to keep taking the skytrain. to be honest, the skytrain/bus station is really sketchy...some times i get kind of paranoid when it's getting late.
either way, i will also be able to see if i like business courses. haha. but lucky me, midterms and exams are back again. good bye, midterm projects!