vacation mode

so ready for vacation.
been a few days and still haven't been able to successfully to get myself off my butt and open a book.
lots of catch up readings to do.
essay, assignments and more readings.

watch me crumble when school begins ago.

why is my readings break a week before anyways? whattheheck.

suit & tie.

a new change

things went different that i hoped and expected.
through lots of painful thoughts and negative thinking...i somehow ended up wanting to change and feel changed, at least a bit.
going to stay positive.  going to be positive for you and me.
thank you for the support i have the last few days.
the support from everyone and you that made me feel like i'm not alone, preventing anything stupid from happening.

a new step,
going to be entirely different...
but the closure i have now,
the conclusion we all came up with...
its makes me hope and look forward.
not entirely move on...
but move on and continue my life.
focus on myself...
desire to be different, be better and not fall back into my old habits.

its a first step and a hard step.
but i think by next 12th/14th...everything will be changed. all of us.
and a new beginning for sure.
a truly positive and good one.
one where there will still be flaws,
but not the same ones we all kept having.
not the same faults.
more matured realizations
a more ideal result.
i'm hoping for that. i'm working for that. and i hope we all are.

thank you for the new start, for the new motivation.
time to discover a new self! a self where everyone will be proud of and feel more happier and positive around. that way, all of this hardship and decision-making will not go to waste.
that way, everything will last a lifetime...like our original plan!

time to get some fresh air! :)

miss this song! brings back memories :D

third post of the day...

are you sure you want to quit?

yes or no.

i guess my decision has already been made up. and i will follow through with it this time. no more faltering.
once the mark is hit,
it won't be the same as before.
no matter what.

out of control urge to shop

retail therapy really helps. but the guilt that kicks in after really kills.
-sigh- the after effects hits the hardest when you look at your bank account and realize you're broke...despite it being chinese new year too.

still, my urge to shop is there...kicking at me once in a while.
gah.

well, at least im sorta happy..minus the guilt.
new stuff!

aside from retail therapy though...
i did book an actual appointment.
time to rest the minds in peace.
i really think its no biggie, but better safe than sorry.

work is tiring :(

happy chinese new year!

a few years back, it was boring (and annoying) annual chinese comedy show to celebrate, the smell of hot pot, cheering people, and red...lots of festive red.
flash back to now. silence. no lights all turned on for good luck.
tears, frustration, and just not the same.

i don't know if it's the headache combined with the sudden anxiety attack...
or is it really everything else,
but keep finding myself falling into the pit.

"it's the state of mind" so i was told...
my "way of escaping" - which is the worse habit - is because it's conditioned.
i don't think i'm desensitized...so thats why it doesn't hurt.
it's not a distraction...
it's my way of escaping, my way of numbing, my way to keep control.

ultimately, in the end, all you have is yourself.
when you're in the darkest time...when you're in need of the most help
theres no one to call...
no one reaches out
theres no soul mate
theres no one that truly understands and know what you're thinking...
you only have yourself to accompany you

who knew back then it would be like this now.
who knew i would've sat on the floor and try to pour out my heart so that more would hurt and come crashing down. who knew i would spend nights crying into my pillow - oh wait, that didn't change...

chinese new year, i hope it was great for every one.
at least i got to re connect with some people through messaging.

The scientist

coldplay, never outdated :)

beginning of my reading break

time to catch up on some readings...a lot of readings