return of the fuhrer

goosebumps
shaking
overwhelmed

i can't believe i was holding my breath for almost the whole time
i'm so excited for the next

anyways...

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

I brought this on myself. regret regret regret.

scared teary-eyed nervous anxious shivering goosebumps excited overwhelmed depressed.
scared scared scared scared.
im about to pee my pants.

so not doing this again...240am in the morning.

so awesome.

won't be sleeping tonight for sure.

f*ck

I clench my eyes and I bite down on my existing teeth and I think my jaw might be breaking and I squeeze my hands and I dig my fingers through the hard rubber surface of the tennis balls and my fingernails crack and my fingernails break and my fingernails start to bleed and I curl my toes and they f*cking hurt and I flex the muscles in my legs and they f*cking hurt and my torso tightens and my stomach muscles feel as if they're going to collapse and my ribs feel as if they're caving in on themselves and it f*cking hurts my my balls are shrinking and the shrinking f*cking hurts and my d*ck is hard because my blood hurts and my blood wants to escape and is seeking exit through my d*ck and my d*ck f*cking hurts and my arms are straining against the thick blue nylon straps and the thick blue nylon straps are cutting my flesh and it f*cking hurts and my face is on fire and the veins in my neck want to explode and my brain is white and it is melting and it f*cking hurts.

a million little pieces (69)

super power!

If you asked me in the past: "If you could have any super power, what power would you want?", I would have responded with something like, the ability to fly, super speed (or something like the Jumper), fire, ice...something like that. Something...cool.

Now, I think I would like a power to...not really read minds, but to be able to just touch someone's hand and know everything about them. The thoughts they have thought about, the feelings they have felt before, their past, present, future? Well, future isn't that necessary, but yeah. Something like that. That sounds a bit like the girl from Evermore. I guess, more like...being able to be in someone else's shoe...that is the power I want. I think if I did have that power, I would be a wise person. Haha. But then again, if I did have any kind of powers, I would probably wish I don't have it. The cliché, but true, phrase: "You always want what you don't have."
Anyways, I think looks can be pretty deceiving. Not just appearance-wise, but everything in general. I was reading a bit of A Million Little Pieces and I came across the line where James Frey said, "Looks are not deceiving" (pg. 35), and for some reason...I laughed. I guess that's what lead me to ponder about whether Looks are deceiving or not. I suppose it's not just looks...(as I mentioned above), I think actions are included.

Does getting low grades (or failing) make a person stupid?
Does being born into a wealthy family and living a luxurious life make a person lucky?
Does a smile on a peron's face mean they're happy?
Does hanging and always talking to someone make them your best friend?
Does a more costly shirt makes it better than a bargained one?
Does looking pretty mean you're pretty inside as well?
Does helping others make you a nice person?
Does having a lot of friends make you less lonely?
Does having a well-paid job make you more prestigious than others?
Does being rich make you more prestigious?

Does being poor mean you don't have class?
Does being surrounded by people mean you're more well-liked?

Does knowing a lot of people mean you're popular?
Does reading a lot make you the smarter one?
Does being first place make you the winner?
Does being ahead of another make you the better one?
Does hanging with a person make you their best friend?
Does being right once mean you're forever right?
Does making an error mean you can't change (you're wrong for life)?
Does not being friends anymore mean you're enemies?
Does knowing big words make you the nerd?
Does having fun mean you're not studious?
Does caring about your marks make you a perfectionist?
Does not caring about your marks make you dumb?
Does talking a lot mean you're not shy?
Does talking slow make you demented?
Does not answering mean you don't know the answer?
Does listening mean you're respecting?

If only everyone (myself included) don't jump into conclusions. I really wish people would stop pretending to be thinking in other people's point of view when they actually aren't. Drop the wise act.
-I feel so annoyed of the fake-ness. I see people using each other everywhere, not that there aren't any who truly mean to help and are truly kind.

I'm not the perfect person, but I don't lie, that's what I can guarantee. No fake-ness from me, I can say that's for sure, but I am on/off. Haha. Anyways, I've been trying to probe into people...lately...for a while now. Been reading someone's blog and yeah...know more about them. I realized the people who I'm really alike, I don't talk much to...it's so weird. Don't know if they know it or not, but yeah, feels like a really weird bond...at least I feel it - not sure if it's a mutual feeling.

I want to do some art, but I don't know what to start...and I haven't finished my old projects. I'm still shocked I finished my mosaic...the poopy one.

waiting waiting // National Geographic love!!

I'm waiting on facebook till it's 12:00 so I can be the 'first' to say happy birthday to Narada. I would call her, but she doesn't use a cell so if I call her house...I'm sure her parents won't be very pleased with the stalker me.
My gift for her sits right next to my laptop and I have written a letter-card! xD It feels so delicate, so I haven't touched it ever since I bought it. I'm so scared of ruining the perfect ribbon! I hope she does like my gift...it does have a meaning to it - a retarded one. Anyhow~

--

I spent an hour or 2 watching National Geographic! I was watching this excavation which was totally fascinating. Somewhat eerie...just everything in general was so perfect...the whole time, things were very subtle...it was so...exquisite. Definitely want to see and learn more about it. It was basically an excavation for a commerce vessel that was found few years ago. This documentary was from 2003. In 2003, they went back to the SAME place to look for this ship which was actually a Byzantine Empire! Isn't that amazing?

And the supposed 'eerie' fact is that...the ship was actually REALLY well perserved. They found another ship remains with a whole lot of jugs. It was so mesmirizing to see the mechanical archeologist, Hercules, reveal all these treasures! When Hercules dust off the layer of mud and icky stuff, the color of the jug was bright orange! There were NO barnicles or any sea creatures, nothing at all! The jugs were probably used by the people of Constantinople. There was a reference to this on this picture, which I am uncertain of...sadly.

Anyhow, it's just so amazing. -sigh-
I'm still feeling very blahh~ I just sat there, watching without blinking. It's so weird. -sigh- National Geographic always remind me of my Archeology dream I use to have...until I realized the pay is really low and it's hard to survive...if you don't find anything amazing. I actually thought that job would suit me. I get to see all these amazing things and travel and learn about history! I actually love learning about history. Henry VIII is just so amusing xP...in a weird sort of way.

Aside from that, basically...I just love the sea. So many mysterious waiting for us to uncover under the water, in space, everywhere! This is a time where I would wish I have 9 lives. =D
1. Be mafia boss
2. Take over the world as a King
3. Archeologist
4. Spoiled rich princess
5. Astronaut
6. Doctor/surgeon
7. Lawyer
8. Dolphin trainer
9. Manga Artist/Blogger

One day, I wish I can go visit the Black Sea. I realized I forgot to mention that. It's amazing, everything...the jugs and the ships, were perserved SO well is most likely because of the anoxic layer of the Black Sea, where there's no oxygen. The wood of the ships, the decks and everything was not eaten was because not a single sea creature is able to live in these poisonous water.

Anyhow, time for bed. =)

breezes & tears

Very random title, yes.

Actually, not really. I came home with nothing to do, since I have no homework. I still don't have that focus to actually sit down calmly and read a book, even though my list of books to read is still very very very long...and lost - haha. I ended up reading about my beloved Ulquiorra-sama, who I adore very much.

He's just so cool and mysterious. His personality and attitude<3 SUPER cool! And yeah, he kind of got my all fangirly again...and I thought my fangirl-ness died last year. Anyhow, yeah, I ended up crying about him...when he died. He was still SO cool! It's just really sad. D: He finally realized why they were 'strong'.

So there's the reason for 'tears'. As for 'breezes', it just SUCH a nice day. I love these summer afternoons with the pleasant breeze and beautiful sunsets. Somewhat depressing as well, sunsets...ending of another day. I must mention that I'm also eating the awesome Melona popcicles! (You can purchase them @ Yohan). I love the feeling I get on 'these' days. I don't know how to describe. It's just so chilled out and relaxed, etc. etc. It's not really that simple, but yeah. And there when I get these feelings, there's just certain songs that adds to this wonderful feeling. Right now, I'm also reminded of Natsume Yuujinchou, which is awesome. I guess I watched it while I was getting this feeling. Anyways, I keep blabbing about 'this feeling' and I'm getting pretty annoyed typing that out, LOL!

I also have a headache. I lost my cellphone! I checked every pocket, every corner of the room and in my bag, the car, everywhere! I think I really have memory loss, my head hurts like crazy from thinking and I kept running up and down the stairs to look for my cellphone. I went over the whole car twice. -sigh-

This sucks. Plus, I am quite disappointed we didn't get the 12 minute run. Although I did complain about it yesterday, that I do have one, I was REALLY mentally prepared for it. Also, I'm depressed on how horrible I did on the Sci test. I thought it would be easy, so I didn't exactly study. Well, my study is...going over it twice. When I think Chem, I think about the whole balancing, writing equations, naming and all that. Well, I guess that's what we did mainly in Mr. Eastwood's class...so that's what I thought would happen..since he's a chem teacher.

Anyhow, I guess I should mentally prepare for Thursday. I will have a 12 minute run then, and then after that head-pounding experience, I will take another mental shock. Another mind blow because of my science test result...if she hands it back.

Not to blame Ms. Semi, because I know it's my fault for not going over the details of the chapters, but she can't teach. Some of the stuff, I absolutely had no idea we even learned. Plus, the wording of some questions were weird...what's with the super long questions? o-o Some stuff were completely irrelevant, I ended up looking at the squiggled words instead. Anyhow, person-wise, I kind of like Ms. Semi...but teacher-wise, I don't. I prefer Mr. Eastwood's class =D Though I failed badly, he was an awesome teacher with AWESOME notes! Like, I don't really have to listen and just focus on copying the notes because I can just reread it and I will understand everything!

Main point: his tests are short. Haha!

drowsy feeling, heavy eyelids threatening to close any moment now.

I continue to pray for rain tommorow, or at least wet tracks so the 12 minute run will be post-poned. I really don't think I can do a Science unit test (3/4 chapters) after a 12 minute run, when my head is pounding and I'm all sweaty.
Amazingly, I finished my homework (other than a the last bit of math which I can definitely pull off during lunch) around 7pm. Not to mention, I finished the mosaic I have been working on for 3 days! I'm actually quite proud that I finished, not at how it looks though. Appearance-wise, it looks very amateur, but I have been working on this mosaic for fun, just to feel at ease and stress-free. It worked.

My dad came back on Saturday! I'm shocked I didn't really get to blog about that. I had Pho, Vietnamese noodles, that day for dinner and then I had Korean food on Sunday.
On Saturday, I also realized I spent 10 minutes staring at the trees. It was very weird how I was mesmirized by the trees. It seemed as though they were dancing with the wind. At that moment, it felt like a form of communcation between the trees and wind. Felt very very alive to me, everything. It was a very awkward moment.

--

Anyways, today lunch was awesome! Mr. Kwan drove us to around Cambie to look for the Tenku trailer shop. We manage to find it at a very, very reserved place...which was intimidating looking. Haha. Like, the location was very discrete...seemed like some drug dealing place. In the end, we did manage to buy those huge takoyaki-like food and yeah. I love takoyaki, the Japanese mayonnaise and everything (please refer to previous blog entries about my mayonnaise obsession). I guess it might taste a little weird to some people who aren't use to the awkward taste of the Japanese mayonnaise mixed with Takoyaki sauce. The taste differs from regular Kraft Mayonnaise.

Aside from that, the take-out boxes was very very adorable! Other than the Tenku trailers, there was this noodle trailer which you can WALK INSIDE! It was so Japanese-style looking, all wooden inside, like those classic sushi shops, and this other Cone store. Like you know, the hand-cones you can order in sushi shops? They had these HUGE hand cones you can pick different things to put in. Very cool.

Mr. Kwan's driving is awesome! xD

I suppose I shall go off to bed now and perhaps review my Science tomorrow morning again. I am absolutely not confident in remembering examples/names...I don't know how to explain myself since I forgot already. I guess it's better if I do review tomorrow.



-cross fingers- Rain rain rain rain rain rain rain...